Freedom in Love.

Protector

2012-01-25T12:13:00.001+11:00

I am a protector.

This is not a self appointed title, but one that has given to me. However, upon reflection of my life and memories I have accepted that it is in fact part of who I am.

I can remember going on an excursion/field trip in primary school and we took the subway/train. I spent the entire time while we were waiting for the subway to arrive, making sure my classmates and peers were lined up against the wall, far away from the yellow line near the edge of the platform, and thinking to myself how silly the teachers were to take kids on the subway. This wasn’t out of a need to be in control, but rather a need to protect them from the danger that being in a subway presented.

I can remember being 8 or 9, bundled up in a snow suit, out in the school yard during recess. I didn’t always get along with her, and we didn’t become best friends until high school, but someone was picking on my cousin. I’m pretty sure they had smashed her snow fort or something similar. I gathered up my courage and began the one and only attempt at a physical fight that I’ve ever undertook. I told the bully off and maybe pushed her once or twice, having no idea how to begin such brawls...but it all ended as quickly as it had started with it getting broken up by a teacher. I may not have got along with her then, but I still felt it was my job to protect my cousin from school yard bullies.

I can remember being maybe 12 or 13 and my little brother was really sick with the flu. I slept on the floor by his bed, getting up throughout the night to check his temperature and to wet the cloth that was on his forehead. I’m sure he would’ve survived that night had I not been there watching him, but I was compelled to sit by his side and to make sure that he was protected by his big sister.

I can remember being 21 and taking a group of fellow leaders during a weekend off at camp one summer to go and get piercings done...being the responsible head cabin leader that I was. The last person to get something done was my sister, who I went in with. The guy took too long piercing her ear, and she went pale and fainted. I remember helping her lay down and saying “breathe, just breathe” trying my best to stay calm. She recovered moments later, but I spent the rest of the afternoon sitting on the porch of my cabin while she slept in my bed, making sure she was protected from any further harm.

I can remember one very cold Friday night, not long before I moved out to Australia, going to down town Toronto with Sharon, where we looked for people who were sitting on the street who could use something to eat and some company. Sharon with her beautiful soul can instantly strike up conversation with anyone, and did so with agentleman who was sitting on the frozen sidewalk. I don’t remember if I was standing or sitting...if I had even said anything...but this man looked at me and said, “are you her protector?” Sharon was the conversation, and I was the protector, making sure she didn’t come to any harm.

I am a protector. In the realization of what that means, it helps me understand how hard it was to leave my family, most especially my siblings, to move to Australia. If I spend too long thinking about where they are, what they’re doing, and what they could possibly need protection from...I go a little crazy. I feel sad because I miss them desperately, but I also feel without control as they are now beyond any hope I have to protect them and keep them from whatever harm might come their way.

My second year in Australia, I tried to fully rely on God for the protection of my family. I even had specific prayers for members of my family as to what I wanted them protected from. I remember getting the news that there had been an accident. Even before I knew all the details, all I could do was yell at God “I told you to protect her!” I hadn’t been there to protect my sister and those with her, and all I could see was that neither had God.

It’s now 6 years since I’ve moved to Australia...and I still can’t dwell too long on the specifics of what my family members might be doing...because I still miss them, but also because I still worry about being too far away to be the protector.

Maybe it’s because I’m the oldest sibling...or perhaps it’s because have an innate desire within my personality to be in control. It’s probably both. Regardless, isn’t acknowledgement the first step to recovery?

I don’t think being a protector is necessarily a bad thing. I would like to think it’s what drives me to be an advocate as a children’s worker in areas and communities that are in need of more protectors. I would also like to think it’ll make me a really good mother one day...although I pray not one that is OVER-protective.

But the downside? Worry. Stress. Needing to feel in control. Feeling that if I’m not there to protect them, who is? The constant test of the size and strength of my faith in God as I wrestle to relinquish control back to Him.

It’s a daily struggle to remind myself that I may be A protector...but I am in fact not THE protector. But really, what a relief it is to acknowledge that truth. That in fact, it isn’t me that keeps those I love safe and from harm...because in reality, there are a great many things in this world that are beyond the protection that a human hand can give. It doesn’t all make sense...and as long as we’re on this world it isn’t going to (my plug for my love of Ecclesiastes here in helping us to see the absurdity of this world) but how much more will I actually enjoy life if I can leave the protecting up to the one who not only loves the ones that I love, but created them too?

I am a protector. It’s part of who I am. But I am also a believer in a sovereign God who will one day make sense of this fallen and broken world. And to that truth, I will do my very best to continue to (daily) relinquish control.

Thanksgiving

2011-10-11T10:56:00.008+11:00

For the first time in a few years, I actually shared a Thanksgiving meal, which included turkey, cranberries and pumpkin pie!

Stealing the fabulous idea from my sister, I'm going to make a list of things I'm thankful for (in no particular order), since I got to feel the thanksgiving vibe over this past weekend despite being so far from Canada!

1. Matt

2. Siblings that are not just related to me, they are also my best friends.

3. Parents who continue to love me for exactly who I am

4. The hippee commune that I grew up in

5. God's sovereignty and provision

6. Technology - because it makes family & friends seem much closer then they really are

7. The Atkins Family

8. Earl Grey Tea

9. Sunsets

10. Good advice

11. Popcorn

12. Children

13. Photographs

14. Gum Trees

15. Loud music

16. Good conversations

17. Massages

18. People who say "how are you?" and mean it

19. Family meals

20. Airplanes

21. Laughing so hard you cry

22. Love

23. Chocolate and Peanut Butter Ice Cream

Freedom in Love.: The Mission to Jamaica

2011-09-07T16:10:00.001+10:00

It's always interesting to reflect on where I was years ago. Here's a blog I wrote (which seems like a life time ago!) after the one and only mission trip I've ever been on, but which lead to me being open to travelling, living overseas, studying theology, and perhaps going back to Jamaica one day :)

Freedom in Love.: The Mission to Jamaica: Isn't it ironic when you do something with the intention of helping someone else...but then end up being the one blessed by the person you s...

The Bar

2011-07-28T12:31:00.003+10:00

Back in my late teens/early 20's I went every now and then on a Monday night to a non-denominational worship rally held at the Canadian Christian college where hundreds of Christian youth-adults would gather. I found it both a refreshing and challenging time, and it gave me a lot of strength during a couple of difficult years as well as teaching me new things as I became an 'adult' in my walk with God.

I'm pretty sure it's the first place I had heard people speaking in tongues, and seen people slain in the spirit, and without opening any sort of ethical or theological discussion on that fact, it was an interesting experience having grown up in the Salvos and never being apart of anything like that before. I had several amazing encounters with others and with God that still blow my mind to think about, but that isn't what has caused me to remember those Monday nights of my youth.

Aside from any of my thoughts on the 'worship' aspect of these nights, there were some amazing speakers. I didn't agree with all of them, and I'm sure they didn't all have it worked out, but nonetheless, each week I felt challenged and encouraged by the words spoken at these Monday night meetings.

There is one speaker on one night that has always stuck out to me, and it's a preach that I've often reflected on when challenged about something personally or by those around me in this particular area.

More or less...this is what he said...

There is bar we have as Christians. A bar that we use to measure up our life choices and decisions, what we use to determine right from wrong.

As we live out our lives as people of the church we start to forget who set that bar, and instead turn our eyes to one another.

We look over at Fred over there and say to ourselves, 'well...at least I'm not doing THAT like he is' and the bar gets lowered a little bit. We then look at Susan over there and say to ourselves, 'well... at least I only do it once a week, not every day like she does', and the bar gets lowered a little bit more. Then we see Tom over there and say to ourselves, 'well...at least I still go to church, unlike him' and the bar gets lowered a little bit more.

This continues, usually without us realizing it, as we justify and rationalize our actions according to how our fellow brothers and sisters are living our their own lives, feeling relief and satisfaction in the fact that at least we're doing it all just that little bit better.

Before you know it, the bar is no longer where it was...far from it. It's settled so far beneath where it should be that perhaps what was 'black and white' becomes grey, and what we always 'knew' to be 'right' now seems cloudy and uncertain.

The problem is that we're all fallen, weak, sinful human beings, and therefore it will only cause us harm and compromise to compare ourselves against one another. There is in fact only one that we can be justified against...only one who should be telling us where that bar needs to be, without allowing it to slowly get lower.

That about summarizes the preach, and of course, preaching to teens and young adults it held great impact, because temptation, justification and compromise comes with the territory of growing up and learning our way in the world.

Thinking about it now though, I think it's an even bigger danger for those who are 'adults'. Teenagers have the excuse of hormones, peer pressure, high school, the influence of the media, and so forth to fall back on...and usually, eventually, they learn from their mistakes.

When you're an adult and you've come to the conclusion that you've worked it all out, that you're solid in your walk with God, or that you're a great contributor to the church and Christian community....I think you're actually at a much bigger risk at letting that bar slowly slip from where God had set it to where it's just a little bit more comfortable to suit the lifestyle you've chosen or the choices you have made. The problem then becomes, that it's a whole lot harder to admit to yourself that perhaps the bar has slipped or even to get it back to where it should be, because at least with teenagers, they're in a time in their life to be molded and formed and are just extremely teachable. It's not always the case once we hit the point of deciding that we've got things pretty much figured out.

There's probably a multitude of directions you could take the analogy preached about so many years ago to a much younger version of myself, as well as ways to discuss the theology of it or how it practically plays out.

Regardless....it's a thought someone once had to preach about to a group of a couple hundred youth, and I've got to say, it's stuck.

Probably a good thing to pop back into my mind every now and then as I take a look at my own bar, the slippery sucker that it is, and ask God to help me get it back up to where we both know it's supposed to be.

A Life Worth Following

2011-07-06T09:22:00.004+10:00

Growing up in the church, believing in God and the journey of what that looked like goes back as far as I remember. I have memories of Sunday school and sitting in church with my parents as far back as my memories go. Saying prayers at night time, hearing Bible stories, and being involved in various programs and activities (brass band, Christmas productions, singing groups, etc).

What I also remember is how that realm of all things God related was trapped within some sort of bubble...a bubble of my own making I’m sure. It didn’t transcend so much into the rest of my life until I was well and truly into my teen years and no longer a ‘kid’. I didn’t spend a whole lot of time with friends from church, only school ones, nor did I speak a whole lot about those extracurricular activities once I was outside of this bubble.

Maybe part of that was to do with not being sure of or strong enough to stand up for what I believed. Maybe I didn’t know how the two worlds were supposed to relate to each other, never finding anyone else outside of the bubble who shared similar beliefs and activities. Maybe it was a little of both.

I have this vivid memory. I was in grade 6. The Billy Graham Crusade was in Toronto at the Sky Dome. We attended the programs that were intended for kids, as well as some of the concerts that were put on (DC Talk among others). I don’t remember what was talked about or preached on. But, what I do remember is the feeling...the revelation...of sitting in a packed stadium FULL of other kids. Other kids who obviously had a similar faith and knew the same God I knew. More than just a dozen others who shared a Sunday school class with me...this was different. We filled a public stadium, that normal every day people used all the time for normal type stuff...and talked about God!

I was on a high when I went back to school after that weekend. I was buzzing with the realisation that there were so many others. Not only that, there were these amazing people who spoke and incredible bands that played, and they all believed the same thing I did. I remember trying to share that excitement with two girls in my class. I showed a dog tag necklace I had gotten from the event and explained how the Sky Dome was full of people as we got to be part of this very fun and very cool weekend. Know what the reaction was? They laughed. They told me I was wrong. They told me I was making it up and that there was no way such an event took place and that it had to do with church or God. I did argue, and I did push..but eventually, defeated, let it go. And sadly, pretty much put it all back in the bubble and continued on as I was before...until, like I said above, several years had passed and I was well into my teens.

This story serves a point as I reflect on it. As a kid growing up in the church, I was never taught how to integrate that bubble into the ‘real’ world. How to allow what I learned and what I believed to transform me in such a way to make my life stand out because, somehow, I was different. Of course there were the typical teachings of how to be a child evangelist, encouraging us to bring our friends along to church and programs. But I lacked, as did many others I’m assuming, the ability to be wholly transformed by what I believed so that I led a life that was county cultural and stood out from what everyone else was doing.

Now today. I’ve done and learned a lot of things. I’ve gotten a degree from a theological college, and I have worked for over 10 years for The Salvation Army is varying capacities. There is no keeping my beliefs in the bubble, even if I wanted to. Due to where I have chosen to work and study, it is automatically presumed that I am a Christian. It’s no longer a matter of keeping hidden what I believe, but needing to make an effort to not compromise how people view those who do believe in God by what I say and do. In many effects, it’s an apologetic work as I strive to show those who have been hurt by the church or ‘religion’ in some shape or form what it really means to know love from God.

Now, let’s draw the comparison from my earlier story from when I was in grade 6. The problem with kids and God is that often they don’t know how to make it ‘fit’ into their ‘normal’ life...how to bridge two worlds, two cultures, and to have it all make sense in one lifestyle. Compare this to the life of adults and God. There’s probably still the same issues kids face, but going with my examples of where I currently am, the difficulty now lies with people knowing I’m a ‘Christian’ and therefore being judged on the fact.

I’m all for pride, stubbornness and just not caring what people think of me (I think something to that effect was said in the matron of honours speech at my wedding!). But how about instead of saying, it’s not fair to be held on a higher pedestal because I go to church, or, it’s my life and I can choose how I live it regardless of what people think......we actually embrace the opportunity to use our very life, the decisions we make and words that we say, to remake people’s views of religion, God and the church.

How about we suck up that pride and stubbornness and say, because people are watching...I am therefore going to make a decision about where I work, what kind of house I live in, where I choose to travel, how I spend my free time, what I do with my income, what causes I fight for, who I spend my time with....and use it all to be a living example of the transformation God has made in you?

I could argue for the fact I believe that if God has really transformed your heart, all of the above should just happen...but the reality is it’s hard, and we are a weak and broken people. The bubble is easier, cleaner, and makes it much easier to shut out what I don’t agree with about the church and it’s decisions, and means I can hide when I’m just too tired to do the ‘right’ thing.

There was something wrong with the grade 6 me, albeit not all of it was my fault. However, knowing what I do now, I will actively work towards using my natural red-headed stubbornness and pride to make my life one that is worthy of being dubbed as someone who knows God.

I Spy With My Little Eye

2011-06-29T10:39:00.002+10:00

I’d consider myself a very ‘observational’ person. As a kid, this was probably more correctly labelled as ‘nosey’, but as an adult I’ll simply say that I’m just observant.

There seems to be a lot of negative news, down trodden spirits and just tired and worn out people at the moment. Every day Matt and I have been finding ourselves met with sad conversations or just people who have forgotten how to smile. Call it the time of year, blame it on winter, or say that it’s the end of school term. Whatever the reason, it sort of gets to you after a while. Matt so rightly reflected a couple days ago that it was just starting to get him down.

What good is being observational if all you observe is sad, heart wrenching or stressful? There may be a more than the usual stressors and difficulties around at the moment...but perhaps part of the problem is that it’s just so much easier to get caught up in the negative, then to allow our eyes to capture the beautiful and optimistic moments. I’m sure that they are there, despite how cold it is outside, or that it’s week 10 of the school term. It’s just time to start looking for them.

So...I will reflect on the good news and smile worthy moments of the past week or so...

- Two different sets of friends have received a happy and healthy baby. Thank God for new life!

- I spent my lunch hour at the primary school I work at on Mondays playing ‘what time is it Mr Wolf’ with a dozen preps who all seem to have much bigger feet then myself as they always ended up at the wolf before me.

- I watched my husband and his team win their basketball grand final, and then receive free pies to celebrate from the man who owns the petrol station where they hang out for a drink and chat after games.

- I talked to my sister for 2 hours who has just recently returned to Canada from Haiti. And despite her being half asleep by the end of it, thoroughly enjoyed the catch up and entertaining stories.

- I had a lovely dinner at the in-laws, and feel very blessed to know that even though my family is just so far away, I still have people who love spending time with me (and feeding me!)

- I got to hang out with 40 children, parents, leaders and others from our Reservoir community for Family Squads. It was pretty much chaos...but the good kind that you can only get when running programs in Reservoir.

- Played the most intense and vicious (I didn’t cheat I swear...) game of Pit that I have ever seen! But more importantly spent that night with some very lovely people to celebrate Darryn’s birthday.

- Enjoyed the company of my best friend and partner over the weekend as we had time to stay in bed until noon, have a walk in the sunshine, and enjoy a brunch of delicious French toast.

Well, I have to say...I now have a smile on my face and am feeling the most positive that I have felt in a while. Just because I took a few minutes to think of the highlights of my past week.

Happy glasses are now on...and I will be on the lookout for more ‘magic moments’.

What’s yours?

To become an 'Atkins'...

2011-06-27T17:15:00.005+10:00

Lets see if you can keep up with this...

We got married in January in Canada, but then returned straight after our honeymoon to Australia.

As soon as we got our marriage certificate, we applied for my partner visa (a VERY expensive visa might I add) which takes up to 9 months to process. We're four months in, and recently called regarding the status, but apparently it won't even get assigned a case worker and looked at for at least another 2 months.

I can't get my Australian drivers license changed without other ID in my married name, as well as the marriage certificate, as it was an overseas wedding. So the plan has been to get my passport changed.

We've been waiting to have enough money to get my passport changed (which you have to mail to the Canadian consulate in Canberra), and finally got around to sending my current passport, our marriage certificate, my birth certificate and a $100 fee to have it changed to my married name. A couple days later, we get a letter back saying I have to re-fill out the form and mail it in id WITH my married name (although the whole point of getting the passport was to get something with my married name on it....) as well as have a guarantor sign my form that is not a minister of religion or pharmacist or physio (which is acceptable in Australia, but not in Canada) so finding someone who is a police officer, a bank teller or notary (and has known me for 2 years...) is on the list of things now to do...

So...I can try again to get my Australian drivers license. but I need to apply with Victorian births, deaths and marriages to have my name changed (if I can prove I've lived here for longer than 3 months and am considered a 'permanent' or long term resident....which I have no idea if waiting for my partner visa counts for that). And in order to put this form in, I have to get BACK my current passport and birth certificate from Canberra to prove what country I was born in and am from. Which means, getting it sent back to me from Canberra, forfeiting the $100 fee for my passport I can't get, and paying $90 to get a piece of paper that says "yes, she has in fact changed her name because she's married".

If I'm able to get the name change form....I then take that to get my license changed....and then mail that and all my id AGAIN to Canberra (and another $100....) to get my passport changed.....

And all for what??? Just so that I can "legally" show that I "assumed" my husbands last name!!

Anyone else feeling exhausted from just reading that?!?

Good grief I say....they don't make what should be a very simple process (at least I think so) easy by any means!

Once a Helpless Romantic...

2011-06-10T15:20:00.003+10:00

If you don't know much about me, here's some quick insight....growing up I was a helpless romantic.

I dreamt of love, marriage, being swept off my feet, and one day meeting Mr. Perfect. I was told once, by my dear friend and cousin Jocelyn that I was 'in love with love.' I was defensive of course to that description, but knew straight away that she had hit the nail on the head. As if I could have argued with Jocelyn anyways...the girl who had to put up with me swooning over one guy to the next and using her to call boys for me since I was too chicken to do it myself.

Long story short, I was challenged to give that all up by the time I was 21, to stop planning out how my life should be romantically, and focus all that time and energy on more productive things.

So...present day, I'm now 5 months married to my best friend. It's amazing how now I can look back and see God's fingerprints over the journey we had in our relationship, and the path it took once I did finally give up trying to put it all together myself.

I had a wedding present for Matt, a collection of letters tied up with green ribbon, that I had to patiently hold on to for a year during our engagement...which I think keeping silent about was the hardest part leading up to the wedding.

Somewhere in the teenage years we had a youth group night based around the book "When God writes your love story". Although somewhat mushy and fluffy, it does hold some challenges for those waiting to meet the love of their life. Anyways, we spent the night writing letters to our future spouse. I wasn't entirely sure what to think of it, but the romantic in me jumped at such a fantastically sappy activity.

Regardless of how silly some of the things I wrote were, or how naive I was at the time, I kept writing these letters...over the course of about 8 years. Some were prayers for the man I had yet to meet, and others were more ridiculous. There was probably about 20 in total, with the last one being written just after I became good friends with Matt.

So, after a year engagement, I finally got to give this present to Matt. I apologized several times for how silly I might have sounded, because I couldn't remember most of what I had written (it had been 4 years since I had written the last one), and we sat and read through them together.

The result? It was amazing really. Despite how afraid I was of how irrelevant the whole exercise was, and how worried I was about sounding stupid in these letters, we got to see how our paths were coming together even before we met. During several difficult times of Matt's life, there was a corresponding letter with a prayer for him, written from the other side of the world. I had also stuck an Australian pen into one of the last ones I wrote that had gotten left behind when Matt left Canada.

I'm not going to say that I was predestined to meet Matt, or that we're soul mates that were destined to find one another, or any other hopelessly romantic statement. But, what I do love about all of this is the reminder of how things turn out when you put God in the drivers seat. When you stop trying to have control and to plan it all out, and instead just relax...trust God...and enjoy the journey!

I got to give Matt a really special gift, and together we were able to see how God was and is apart of this relationship. It only strengthened the resolve that this marriage must and will include God in it. It also served to remind me....once again....how important it is to remember what God has done in our past, if we hope to have faith for the future.

God is good.

People Workers

2011-06-08T14:07:00.003+10:00

Children are the future.

Any arguments?

I think it’s pretty much a biological fact that the next generation of youth and adults will come from the children of today. Pretty straight forward I’d say.

If the above is true, what I find puzzling is the seeming lack of funding, resources, people and time given to children, in comparison to teenagers, adults, and the elderly.

What is so extraordinarily appealing in waiting until the little ones have hit puberty before we decide to start investing in their futures and well being?

I’m making reference more specifically to the fact that you will find (at least in my experience) an abundance of people willing to spend time with youth and teenagers...willing to run drop in centres, social clubs, Friday night youth groups, church hang outs, etc. But when it comes to the children...only a few put up their hand. And of those few, mainly females remain.

I’m an employed children’s worker. I’m in my late 20’s and have been working with kids, in a very wide variety of settings, both voluntary and for employment for the past 10 years. I consider it a privilege to be welcomed into the world of a child and to have the opportunity of journeying alongside with them. I am never bored but am instead forever being entertained, challenged, taught, and stretched. What’s not to like?

I am continually running into the problem of not having enough people willing to give of time and invest in kids who desperately need someone to care. Oh, there are many good intentions, with most people stating how much they love children. There just aren’t people who are willing to put their words into actions and actually give some time to kids (in their own communities) who could use an hour of positive attention more than anything in the world. However...I’ve been to youth events where the adults outnumber the teens, and the amount of youth workers to children’s workers funded and employed are 5:1. Never mind the fact that more time is put into youth “programs” and big flashy events, then it is into spending one on one time mentoring and discipling youth who could really use an adult to walk along side them and take an interest in their world.

If children are our future, and childhood certainly happens BEFORE adolescence, isn’t that where we should start? If the decisions teens are going to make under peer pressure, biological change, and worldly pressure are going to be at all influenced by what they have known and experienced up until this point in their lives, doesn’t that make the time of their childhood absolutely critical to helping prepare them for the hardest stretch of change, decision making, and new things they are ever likely going to face?

Childhood is fleeting, yet it leaves a lasting thumbprint on the rest of an individual’s life. Doesn’t it make it the most valuable and vital time to invest a few minutes into the next generation of youth and adults? Maybe we wouldn’t ‘need’ quite so many youth workers if the investment time was put in just a few years earlier?

I’ve heard the line, “but I’m just not good with kids” or “kids don’t like me.” Granted, there are a few people who I might want to say that to. Regardless, I was challenged recently by someone who said, “There is no such thing as children’s workers, and there’s no such thing as youth workers. There are only people workers.”

In the past, I may have argued that, stating that I believe my gifting and talents make me a children’s worker and that is the only thing I will dedicate my life to. However, experiences in the past couple of years have led me to think on the above statement that perhaps, the problem we have (specifically in the church) is not being able to train up ‘people workers’.

We tell people that they can only do kid’s ministry OR youth ministry OR seniors ministry, never crossing over between areas. But what if we taught that things weren’t meant to be this off balance? What if we were all “people” workers? Then certainly the important time and influence needed in the life of a child wouldn’t be wanting, and we wouldn’t be bombarded by people who want to join the ‘hip’ ministry of youth work leaving those age groups who maybe aren’t quite as attractive, by the way side. The needs of people would be met, not just a select few.

My heart is well and truly for children’s ministry, and I am continually amazed at the lack of people wanting to pick up on the cause that will affect the future of everyone, never mind the fact that it takes a giving of so little to make a difference in the lives of some so desperate.
However, I would like to conclude with calling you to be people workers. Be advocates for people who are desperate and without a voice, not being limited by the need to be titled and put into a box, only giving time to the groups that are easy or are the most popular to work with.

And if needs be, maybe for the first time, consider investing into kids.

I used to love the rain...

2008-11-03T13:10:00.003+11:00

I've had a busy and stressful few days as I try to do a million things at once, including preparing for exams.

Yesterday, I walked down the street to Shop 16 to print out some notes I had finished typing up. Just as I left the Shop, it began to rain. This added to the frustrated mood that I was in and I walked as quickly as I could (without falling, as I was wearing thongs/flip-flops) in the direction of home. After waiting patiently for the road to clear to cross over Plenty road and then began to head back up the street towards my house (debating whether I should attempt to cover my recently straightened hair in attempts to keep it dry), I realized that I had left my printed notes at the Shop...my whole reason for being there in the first place.

I let out some form of verbal frustration, as I waited to cross the road back towards the Shop. Upon finally getting everything I needed, and heading once again towards the destination of home, the rain picked up and it started to pour.

Some moments after, I'm not sure how it happened, I began having flashbacks. Memories of camp, when we used to long for the days when the sky would open and a down pour would come. Memories of excitement when the wind started to pick up, the sky darkened and thunder could be heard in the distance.

My mind flashed back to all those times that a downpour would start, we'd all race to our cabins, put on a change of clothes, then run into the quad to find the biggest puddles to jump in. Then someone would put on some music, blaring it from their cabin, and we'd just run, jump and dance in the rain.

I can remember the many moments of running out to see Spidey, with a huge grin on his face, who was working up the courage to attempt some mud sliding. Or the time that Daryl and I found a MASSIVE mud puddle outside the nurses station and used it to absolutely cover Bean's bike in dirt...and then covered head to toe in mud had to welcome a bus load of campers who had just arrived. Or when Thumbalina and I started up a mud lovers newsletter to give ample coverage to the wondrous adventures that was puddle jumping.

In reality, these memories aren't from that old...maybe 5-7 years? But in the context of storming up my street in a foul mood because I had to take a 5 minute walk in the rain, those camp memories seem like forever ago.

But as I remembered and laughed about the various ridiculous things we used to do when it would rain, I couldn't help but slow down and make the walk to my house last as long as it possibly could as I attempted to hold on to that feeling of freedom and fun I used to have in moments like those.

I'm not sure that it was any great revelation that struck me...maybe it was just the reminder that nothing is so stressful or worrisome that I can't enjoy taking a leisurely walk in the rain.

I love...

2008-07-31T15:40:00.002+10:00

I love that when I wake up feeling really sad and alone,

...Matt sends me a beautifully perfect text message

...My lovely classmate takes me out for a spontaneous coffee and chat

...My mum answers the phone at 11:30pm just so I can hear a loving motherly voice

...My sister just happens to need my credit card for $5 and ends up listening to me vent for an hour & reminds me that God is bigger then the boogie man

...My inbox has an email from Jeff just to remind me that he loves me and is praying for me

:)

Motivation

2008-06-29T21:46:00.003+10:00

I've been challenged on something recently.

While writing in my prayer journal a few nights ago, I concluded with a sentence that included something about my brothers and sisters in Christ. It's a term I've used plenty of times, but in this particular moment it sparked something new for me.

Being so far away from home (Toronto) these past few years has allowed for me to appreciate how much I love and cherish my family. I guess it isn't just since I've been living in Australia, but it has helped to heighten the appreciation. Included within that is how deeply I love my siblings, and how being away can often be hard because I'm just so limited in how I can show them my love, or be there during difficult times.

Anyways, thinking back to my brothers and sisters in Christ...I got pondering about how easily and fully I am capable of loving my siblings. I want to be their protector, their friend, their support, their guide, their encourager, their listening ear...and the list continues. All of that just because I love them and value them and all that they bring to my life. If that is the range and depth I have for my 'blood' brothers and sisters...shouldn't that be a guide to how I love and treat everyone else? My brothers and sisters in Christ? My neighbours? My enemies?

So this has provided me with a real challenge. How do I practically live out a love that I'm capable of having for my siblings, towards everyone else in my life? I am aware of how different relationships with people often effect how we treat and react to people...but I guess what I'm looking more at is the motivation behind it all...the genuine depth to the love...the reason as to why we conduct our actions. It's just been something that has challenged me recently, and has forced me to be aware of how I treat people in my daily life..and what is it that motivates me.

Another point, though somewhat related to the above thought, is that in reference to being created in the image of God. Due to a question I had to study for my theology exam this past semester, it was a topic I had to do a great deal of reading on. It's just an interesting point that if, as a Christian, we believe that we have been created in the image of God...then in a sense all humans carry within them an aspect of that image. I won't get into what exactly I believe it to mean in terms of us being a fallen people and how that may or may not have corroputed this image....but what is interesting to think about is that if we ALL are created in the image of God, then surely this should be enough motivation for us to treat one another with respect, love, and grace? I mean, just the very idea that our 'neighbour' has been created in the image of a great and mighty God, should really give us enough motivation to just love them in all that we do?

Anyways, that was just something I've been pondering about.

Blessings!

Fifteen

2008-05-29T10:08:00.002+10:00

Last night, at Shop 16 Reservoir, we enrolled 15 Junior Soldiers. I am still a bit stunned as I replay the scenes of last night in my head.

I believe that I have allowed myself to get in the mind frame over the past year and a bit of severely limiting the power and glory of God, more particularly in regards to how He is working within Reservoir.

When we first decided to be extremely intentional about making sure we shared the Gospel with our kids, and introducing the Junior Soldier pledge and curriculum...honestly, I was nervous. I remember one night as we were concluding squads, some parents came in as they waited for the program to finish. We were doing an activity to memorize part of the JS pledge, and I remember thinking...uh oh. What are they going to think? Well, I was put back in line the next day when I was told that the child of these parents had called in to let us know that she was going to become a JS. More then that, she's become extremely switched on in terms of knowing and loving God and wanting to be an example to everyone in her life. She even stood up at the ceremony last night and proclaimed in front of a packed room full of people that she was becoming a Junior Soldier because she loves God and wants to live a life that is clean.

I am amazed. Maybe I shouldn't be though. Maybe I should have known that God WAS and IS doing a great work within our community. Should I really be surprised when children stand up and say they want to lead a life following the Lord? Probably not. I'm learning though...God is breaking me down with His glory as I learn to humble myself once again and remember that He IS in control and doing incredible things...and that I am absolutely privileged to be a part of His ministry.

About a month ago one of the boys at homework group was sitting in a corner, looking quite sad. As he's normally full of life (and spending free time on the computer) I went over to see what was up. After much prodding and encouragement that I did actually want to hear what was upsetting him, he shared with me that he was very sad. He felt as if he didn't have any friends, and that no one liked him...anywhere, at Shop 16 or school. My heart broke for him and I spent the next few minutes trying to smother him with as much love and encouragement that I could muster.

Last night this boy became one of our 15 Junior Soldiers. After the conclusion of the ceremony, while everyone was eating and mingling, I once again found him sitting alone, with his head bent low. I went over and sat next to him and just said hello. This time, he didn't need any prodding. In a quiet voice he said, "Esther....I'm just so happy. I'm so happy, I think I might cry" and before he had even finished speaking I could see his eyes well up. I was just overcome with joy. I gave him a hug and told him what a very good thing that was! That it was a great thing that he could feel so happy, and that I was so very glad that he was.

In comparison to the amount of children whose lives we are involved with at Shop 16, 15 kids really is just a portion. On the other hand, it's also a really large amount of children to enroll as a Junior Soldier in one night! However, there is no doubt in my mind in regards to the decisions that these kids made last night. On our part, we really didn't need to force, twist arms, or encourage any of these kids to decide to make the decision...it was totally on their own, and with a great deal of enthusiasm that thoroughly surprised me! I am just so grateful that we were able to offer these kids an opportunity to commit themselves to something greater...to allow them the chance to stand up in front of their family and community and say that this is the life they want to lead.

God is awesome, and continues to be doing great things. I just need to make sure I continue to let Him!

Blessings!

What I've learnt recently...

2008-04-17T10:57:00.003+10:00

...I hate saying 'no' to people, and I like knowing that I'm a dependable sort of person.

...I get frustrated when people aren't open to new suggestions or ideas, and stay stuck in what they already 'know'.

...it's important to have time off every now and then when you get to stay in your pj's and play video games all day.

...about the inter workings of Genograms.

...that I'm definitely wired to be a children's leader...not so much a youth leader.

...that 10 months still isn't enough time to understand the 'why'.

...I love to talk about my family...and to talk to them even more.

...I'm capable of playing basketball (even if I'm no pro!).

...that keeping my hair straight means I get to sleep in for an extra 10 minutes in the morning.

...that no matter what else is going on in life, spending 5 minutes with the kids in Reservoir will brighten my day.

...that I love my boyfriend.

...that I'm actually getting better at writing essays for uni.

...that looking for a house is a big, and unpredictable, adventure.

...that a dog barking is extremely annoying, but a cat constantly meowing is even worse.

...that I lost 13cm this past month because of going to Curves.

...that life is absurd, but that God is good and still in control.

For my fellow Trekkies out there

2008-04-05T18:29:00.003+11:00

My lovely sister sent me the most fantastic email today with a beautiful poem that I thought was worth posting.

Ode to Spot

Felis Cattus, is your taxonomic nomenclature,

an endothermic quadruped carnivorous by nature?

Your visual, olfactory and auditory senses

contribute to your hunting skills, and natural defenses.

I find myself intrigued by your subvocal oscillations,

a singular development of cat communications

that obviates your basic hedonistic predilection

for a rhythmic stroking of your fur, to demonstrate affection.

A tail is quite essential for your acrobatic talents;

you would not be so agile if you lacked its counterbalance.

And when not being utilized to aide in locomotion,

it often serves to illustrate the state of your emotion.

O Spot, the complex levels of behaviour you display

connote a fairly well-developed cognitive array.

And though you are not sentient, Spot, and do not comprehend,

I nonetheless consider you a true and valued friend.

- Data

A time to build up, and a time to tear down...

2008-03-26T20:49:00.002+11:00

I've been meaning to post for the past week or two, and I'm finally getting around to doing it.

Life has continued to be full of it's ups and downs lately..but hey, it keeps things interesting.

I spent today and yesterday as a registrar/book seller for a two-day conference in the city. It's a job I do now and then when it fits into the rest of my schedule, and overall pays pretty good money for a fairly simple day. I took advantage of the times when the seminar was in session (and I had nothing to do) to do some readings for a essay that's due in a week on Ecclesiastes. I did a couple hours worth today, and was left with my head just flooded with different theologians opinions on the "everything is meaningless under the sun" wisdom book of the Old Testament.

Though I haven't quite nutted out the outline of my essay, or what approach I'm going to take, I was left feeling enlightened. Though a reading of Ecclesiastes may leave one feeling quite depressed, and searching for some sort of meaning to be in existence....it put a lot of things into perspective for me.

As the "teacher" who wrote this book explains very honestly, we are all faced with the prospect of death...and we all live "in death's shadow." Doesn't matter who you are....wise or a fool, poor or rich...we will all meet the same end. Now, there are mixed views on whether we should take from this book that in light of death, we need to live life to it's fullest because all we have is this moment....or that life itself is a gift because we have knowledge and wisdom, and those who are dead do not...or that all that matters is that we live a life of wisdom, and not folly, and live having fear of the Lord...or that your riches mean nothing once you've died, but wisdom you can leave behind and pass on.

There's many more ideas, and I didn't do any of those points justice, so please forgive me but I still have much to try and work out from all the thoughts swimming around in my head at the moment. But, as I said, it has put a lot of things into perspective for me.

Life is a gift..and that may be easy to agree with, and it may be used frequently to warm hearts, but seriously take that in for a minute. Stop the complaining...stop the worrying...stop the obsessing over all the material things that you can't take with you...stop indulging in the world to try and fill some need you think you have. Just stop. Life is a gift. Now the question is...do you actually appreciate that gift? This fleeting moment you have on earth...do you appreciate the small joys that God blesses you with every day? Do you remember to thank God every day for the gift of breath?

I think that's all I'll say on that one for the moment.

Just to finish off, kind of a random story that also happened while working at this seminar. Yesterday the seminar leader asked me what I do, and I said I was a student. He asked studying what, and I gave my usual answer of "I'm at a theological college" which usually results in a blank face when speaking to your every day person. But, to my surprise, the conversation just sparked from there. As it turns out, he's a Bible teacher when he's not leading seminars. Later on that day, a lovely lady who was attending the seminar came to chat with me, which resulted in the same question. This time, it turned out that she works at a Christian book store and had lots she wanted to share with me. Then today, a guy was jetting past on his way to the toilets, when he saw that I was doing some reading. This typical looking biker guy, complete with tattoos up and down both arms, asked what I was studying. Once again, turns out that he's a lecturer for theological studies, and knows my school quite well. By the end of today, I have to say I was feeling quite encouraged and baffled! Normally hardly anyone engages me in conversation at these events, and never does it lead to this result! Goes to show I think that God really is everywhere, in all shapes and sizes.

Blessings!

What's love got to do with it

2008-03-04T19:50:00.004+11:00

I had a random thought last night as I was drifting off to sleep, and thought I should throw up a blog about it.

Up until very recently, the only time I had been in a relationship where I told the boy that I loved him was when I was 15. Thinking back to that relationship (which was also my first boyfriend), I can remember hanging up the phone one night after a very exciting conversation with the boy, and very giggly explaining to my mum that he had said those 3 magical words to me. At the time I thought her cool and calm response of a nod and smile failed to do justice to how fantastic the situation was....but in hind sight I'm sure she was just trying to contain the laughter at my very silly display.

In the end...that relationship only lasted two months...and one month of that was spent with the boy on holidays with his family (a summer relationship). So, its fair enough to say that this "love" was pretty skin deep and probably more inf actuation then anything else.

The point I think I was wanting to get at is this. Does it really count if you say "I love you" to someone as a teenager? Or do you really know what "love" is if it's your first relationship? Or is there a certain age limit that you have to hit to know what it means to fully experience love?

In reflection of myself, I think that I can safely say I'm in love with someone for the first time in my life. Because I know that he's my best friend, and that it's a love that has grown out of years of growing friendship.

What I think about that other love from when I was 15? I guess summed up, I just didn't know any better. I was (and still am, though I try to repress it) a hopeless romantic and "in love with love" as they say. I thought that all those extreme emotions that started controlling my day to day life upon meeting that 15 year old lad obviously had to be love....and maybe it was on a very small scale. In a very naive immature way that 15 year olds see and experience "love."

I have more thoughts I'm sure, but this is turning out longer then I had intended...but I will leave it open to feedback. Any one else have any other thoughts, stories or pearls of wisdom?

I've had questions

2008-03-02T17:53:00.003+11:00

I've been doing a lot of thinking about life in the past couple weeks, as I've been riding a bit of an emotional roller coaster.

During mentoring a couple days ago, we talked about being to 'suffer' in life, but to still be able to worship God. That it's a hard path to go through, but being able to actually worship despite any circumstances or what you're feeling, allows you to reach a whole new level in your relationship with God. The pain and emotion doesn't necessary go away...because what you're feeling and experiencing is just life sometimes....but to be able to pour all of that out to God, exactly how you're feeling, and still be able to praise and worship him...is such a comfort.

We had 36 hour prayer this weekend in Reservoir, and during one of my prayer shifts, a song came on the randomized play list on the ipod that was left in the prayer room. It's a song I've heard many times, and have always enjoyed, but this time meant something all new to me. In it's lyrics it seems to embody all that I've been thinking about recently, as well as my conversation in mentoring on Friday. Maybe it was just the first time that this is where I am in my life so it just hit home.

Anyways, here's the song and the lyrics...

I've Had Questions - Tim Hughes

I've had questions, without answers

I've known sorrow, I have known pain

But there's one thing, that I'll cling to

You are faithful, Jesus You're true

When hope is lost, I'll call You Saviour

When pain surrounds, I'll call You Healer

When silence falls, You'll be the song within my heart

In the lone hour, of my sorrow

Through the darkest night of my soul

You surround me, and sustain me

My defender, forever more

When hope is lost, I'll call You Saviour

When pain surrounds, I'll call You Healer

When silence falls, You'll be the song within my heart

I will praise You, I will praise You

When the tears fall, still I will sing to You

I will praise You, Jesus praise You

Through the suffering still I will sing

When hope is lost, I'll call You Saviour

When pain surrounds, I'll call You Healer

When silence falls, You'll be the song within my heart

I've had questions, without answers

I've known sorrow, I have known pain

But there's one thing, that I'll cling to

You are faithful, Jesus You're true

When hope is lost, I'll call You Saviour

When pain surrounds, I'll call You Healer

When silence falls, You'll be the song within my heart

I will praise You, I will praise You

When the tears fall, still I will sing to You

I will praise You, Jesus praise You

Through the suffering still I will sing

The continuing mission, to explore strange new worlds...

2008-02-26T09:51:00.003+11:00

This past month has been an interesting one. I'm still in limbo, not feeling quite settled as I continue to live out of a suitcase. I had hoped to have housing sorted by the time I started back for my second year at school..but alas, I have my first class this afternoon and housing isn't worked out just yet.

Honestly, it's been a struggle remaining motivated and optimistic. I hadn't anticipated that the process of securing a house would end up taking control over so much of my thinking and my emotions. I realized in the past couple of days that a huge part of that is because part of me feeling 'at home' here in Melbourne, is living in Reservoir. It's the community that I've fallen in love with and want to be in. It's where I want to spend my time, and where I want to commit all my passions and energies. It's not so much the living out of a suitcase and not really having my own room that gets me down the most, it's the commute to Reservoir, and not being able to just be in that community when I wake up and go to bed.

I know I'm not in the ideal situation at the moment, but it really isn't that bad at all. I have a bed to sleep in, food to eat, and clothes to wear...so I really can't complain about much. I guess the frustration of not being able to get a house is one I haven't experienced before and hadn't really prepared myself properly to deal with. It's just amazing how much impact something like securing a house has on all other aspects of your daily life, and how much it puts on hold of planning for much of anything in advance.

I know that God is good. And I remain convinced that He wants to use me in Reservoir...and every time I see those beautiful kids I'm reminded of why I'm here. So, I just need to renew my faith and trust daily in the Lord that He has a plan, and that he will take care of me.

As the search continues.....I'm now off to uni.

Blessings.

Walk by faith

2008-02-09T10:18:00.000+11:00

I've been reading a book recently about the "Founders of The Salvation Army" that I recieved from my grandparents last Christmas. It's not a very long book, but gives a pretty good account of William and Catherine Booth...their childhood, how they met, and then the path that led them to The Salvation Army.

I just wanted to share a part of a letter that Catherine wrote to her mother during a time when many uncertanties lay ahead.

"I have no hope that God will ever assure us that we shall lose nothing in seeking ot do His will. I don't think this is God's plan. I think He sets before us our duty, and then demands its performance, expecting us to leave the consequences wiht Him. If He had promised beforehand to give Abraham his Isaac back again, where would have been that illustrious display of faith and love which has served to encourage and cheer God's people in all ages? If we could always see our way, we should not have to walk by faith, but by sight. I know God's professing people are generally as anxious to see their way as worldings are, but they thus dishonour God and greatly injure themselves. I don't believe in any religion apart from doing the will of God. True faith is in the uniting link between Christ and the soul, but if we don't do the will of our Father it will soon be broken."

Well said.

Blessed to be a witness

2008-02-06T12:12:00.000+11:00

Here's some lyrics to a song that is a favourite at the moment, on a cd that my lovely brother made for me before I departed the great white north.

Cheers.

Corcovado parted the sky

And through the darkness

On us he shined

Crucified in stone

Still his blood is my own

Glory behold all my eyes have seen

I am blessed to be a witness

Some have flown away

And cant be with us here today

Like the hills of my home

Some have crumbled and now are gone

Gather around for today wont come again

I am blessed to be a witness

So much sorrow and pain

Still I will not live in vain

Like good questions never asked

Is wisdom wasted on the past

Only by the grace of God go i

I am blessed to be a witness

Ben Harper

Pathways

2008-02-05T14:16:00.000+11:00

It's probably been two years since I could say that I was blogging regularly...but alas, it's a new year, so we'll give this another shot.

I'm back in the land of Oz..again. Though most would say by now that this is home, and I was in Toronto meerly for summer holidays, which I guess is probably true. Boarding the plane in Toronto airport I sat down and felt tears creep down my face as I found myself thinking "why am I doing this again?" As easier as it may get to actually live in Australia, half way across the world from Canada, it never actually gets any easier to leave Toronto and the people that I love.

2007 brought a lot of unexpected events. The big ones are all common knowledge, so I won't go into detail. But, in reflection, it's almost as if we were heading down this path. A path that we may not have been fully aware of was heading, but became quite comfortable travelling along it anyways. A path that more or less seemed straight, with just a few bumps and curves along the way. Then suddenly..the path ended. It just stopped. Everything we thought we knew ceased to exist in the event of one moment...and we found ourselves only being able to form the question 'why?' We tried to grab onto one another for support, but found that most the time we fell right back down...unable to stand on our own two feet, let alone hold the weight of those next to us.

Slowly, over time, some have found their footing and have journeyed out, making a new path. Others have started out, but are crawling still...as they regain the strength that they once walked tall with. Some, I imagine, are still sitting in that same spot...the spot that they landed on when the news first came. Everyone is seeking out a new path now though. A new direction. A way to carry on...minus one.

The good news though is that God is there. He's there to help us stand up...help us take those steps in a new direction...help us carry on with joy in our hearts and our eyes heavenward. God is good.

I'm not entirely sure what path I'm on at the moment, or what direction it's heading in. I'm a bit of a floater as I'm without a house or job, and waiting for uni to start back up. I am excited for this year though. Excited for unknowns...excited for the hopes and promises God has spoken into my heart...excited for seeing all the beautiful Reservoir children...and excited for the development of new (and old) relationships.

Well 2008....lets do this.

Good Times

2007-10-18T23:03:00.000+10:00

Does anyone read this anymore? Probably not, but that's okay because I hardly write nowadays.

This year is beginning to draw to a close, though it's still very full on and things just seem to be getting busier as the date for my flight home for Christmas draws closer.

I will be very glad once I have my first year of bible college under my belt. It's been an amazing journey, but will be good to feel a sense of accomplishment that this is something that I am acutally capable of.

Things in Reservoir continue to be amazing. I honestly don't know the last time I've been so challenged, and moved and encouraged in the span of one year. It's definitely had it's downs, along with all the ups...but it's all been worth it. I just grow more in love with the children and youth in this community every day.

A high point recently would be our "mock" Canadian Thanksgiving we had last weekend. We had a real mixture of kids, teens and leaders...all gathered together as one big family enjoying a real Thanksgiving feast. It felt like home eating the cranberries, and even sharing a home-made pumpkin pie for desert (they don't eat pumpkin pie in this country!). It is definitely one of my favourite days I've had in Reservoir, and a real moment that I just felt home.

I'm already getting excited for all that awaits for next year, though a lot is uncertain. I am currently without plans of where I'll be living next year, and with whom. There are a few who are also in the same boat, looking for accommidation in Reservoir...it's just a matter of things coming together and waiting on God to open up some doors for that to happen. I'm not worried, but it is a prayer point and something that is often trying to stir up anxiety in me from the depths of my mind.

Things are good. Reservoir is good. God is good.

"Where I cannot see, I'll trust"

2007-09-30T09:26:00.000+10:00

God is good...did you know that?

I am sitting here this Sunday morning in Melbourne Australia absolutely amazed by God.

I received a facebook message from my Uncle Gord that told me that while preparing for a Bible Study that he leads, he put in the song lyrics "Where I cannot see, I'll trust" and came up with my blog entry from October 19, 2005. Doubtful anyone who has read that would remember what it said...I certainly didn't. So I looked it up and began to read....

"Saturday night I had the privilege of attending a very beautiful covenant service with 614. Throughout the evening my heart was stirred as God spoke into my life and revealed some new truths to me.

"Humbled by Your Majesty,
Forgiven so that I can forgive..."

I came to realize how proud a person I am. I think it's a hard thing for me to admit that I'm wrong. Not just in terms of proving a point in a discussion or debate with someone...but I have difficulties accepting the fact that I am capable of hurting someones feelings without realizing it. Recently I had an old friend confess that I had hurt them in the past, and because of that they didn't think very much of me. Instead of humbling myself and apologizing...I argued. I gave reasons, excuses and pointed out in a very wordy speech that I wasn't the one to blame, and there was a logical explanation as to why feelings had been hurt and why we weren't friends anymore.

I realized Saturday night what a proud person I am and the difficulties I have in admitting that I have done wrong and require the forgiveness from someone that I may have hurt...unintentionally or otherwise. I think this is a hard thing for me to overcome and completely change...but I am glad to have been made aware of it and hope to continue to improve and have God keep me accountable."

For anyone who knows me well, you'll know the friend I'm referring to in this blog and that this whole issue has been one that has been on my heart these past few months following the accident.

I am sitting here right now just blown away at the full circle my life has taken these past two years, without even realizing it. I am presently in a place where I am again faced with the negatively that I have allowed eat away at my life and be present in my relationships with people, especially those I love the most.

I think that I've been made to rediscover this post for a few reasons. For a start, to realize that where I am now isn't such a new place...and surprisingly enough, I can reflect on the further words I wrote in that post and take a lot of comfort in faith and knowledge that I had even two years ago of how good God is and that He's with me every step of the way.

I think it was also to remind me of the relationship I had with my friend, both the good and the bad...and to know in the end it turned out just how God intended it.

And finally...I think it was so I could say I'm sorry. I had been struggling with that nagging thought these past couple of weeks, and I think that this is the time to say it.

I'm sorry. To everyone in my life where I've let negativity get the better of our relationship...or when I let my pride or stubbornness dictate my words and actions. I'm sorry to those I hurt, either intentionally or not...and to those whom I wasn't a listening ear when I should have been.

Also to my family. Being so far away for so long does nothing but make you appreciate how much you love those most important in your life. I am sorry for those moments of absolutely pride, stubbornness and grumpy days when I just couldn't be bothered. But...thank you for loving me anyways and always seeing past those moments.

I think that's really all I have to say. I have a lot of reflection to do, and I know I have a long and hard path ahead of me as I continue to nut out who it is God wants me to be. But I am so thankful for his continued goodness and love in my life.

To have a read of the full post of October 19, 2005...click here.

No matter where I go I am, proud to be Canadian

2007-06-29T23:50:00.001+10:00

Almost Canada day..here's an oldie but a goodie...

Missing you Daryl...

2007-06-18T17:08:00.000+10:00

O Lord my God, when I, in awesome wonder
Consider all the worlds Thy hand hath made
I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder
Thy pow'r throughout the universe displayed

Then sings my soul, my Savior God, to Thee