Honestification

Well, I've got a bit on my mind at the moment. Wait, that's a lie...I have a LOT on my mind at the moment.

I've been keeping some decisions I am in the process of making on the down low, but have decided that I'm just going to get them out there in the open right now with this blog. Mostly I think for the reason that this way I'm still out of the country and anyone who gets upset with me has to wait 6 weeks until I have to see them.

This probably won't come as a huge shock to anyone who I talk to on a regular basis, or knows me well....but I've decided to try and come back to Australia next year. It's something I've put heaps of thought and prayer into, and has been on my mind in some way shape or form for the past 5 months.

I've actually applied for the Bachelor of Ministries Program at Ridley Bible College, here in Melbourne. As well, I'm applying to do the Shop 16 'program', which is the Salvo church plant in Reservoir, where I've been helping with the children and youth programs for most of the year that I've been here. It would essentially mean that I was living in Reservoir as well as being on the children's team as well as doing school.

I'm actually very excited about the idea of next year and being in Australia, though terrified at the fact of not only being back in school full time, but also being in Bible College. It's just not something I ever grew up with the thought of doing, but in recent years it has been a thought that has continued to be in my mind, and I have now decided to take the leap and apply.

I guess you could say I've established a life for myself in Australia, as would be expected for anyone who spends a year in any place. I've been through a lot this past year. Been more home sick then I ever thought possible, done things and been places I never thought I'd get the chance to do, been the most miserable and the most happy I think I have been in my life, built some incredible friendships with people as well as children and youth I've worked with, and I've just experienced a lot.

Right now, a lot is uncertain. I've applied to College, but I'm still waiting to hear from them. If I get accepted, I then have to apply for a student visa, and wait some more. Then I have to try and work out flying back here to Australia, and juggle the best timing for that to happen. To say that the past couple of months has been an emotional roller coaster would be an under statement. I've had moments of absolute certainty, followed by mass panic and negative thinking.

It crosses my mind about once a week to just give up. Throw in the towel and don't even bother to continue with the hassle that trying to get back to Australia is causing me. It would just be SO easy, to get on that plane in December back to Toronto, and pick up my life where I left it, and figure out where to go from there. No big immediate decisions. I'd be surrounded by familiarity. No homesickness. People I know and have grown up with around me. My family supporting me through whatever happens. So easy.

But when have I ever done things the easy way?

I've learnt a lot this year. I've learned what I'm capable of....and what I'm not. I've learned that breaking and stretching hurts...but the outcome makes it worth it. I've learned that being away from family breaks your heart more then anything in the world....but it's while being away you learn how much you really do value and love them and how irreplaceable they are. I've learnt that it's extremely difficult to be in a room with no connections to anybody...but it's like starting life with a new and clean slate having no previous encounters for them to judge you on. I've learned that life is good if you take the easy path...but it's absolute extraordinary when you take chances.

On top of all that I'm repressing with my stresses and worries about this upcoming new year, I have a new fear. A fear that only crossed my mind today. I'm horribly scared that the entire time I'll be home (in Toronto) in December and January will be spent with people either trying to convince me to stay in Toronto, or guilting me with disappointments and other ill feelings about me hoping to return to Australia.

I don't know a lot at the moment. I don't know if I'll be accepted into College. I don't know if I'll be granted a student visa. I don't know if I am able to come back to Australia, when I will be flying back here.

But what I do know is...I don't want to be spending 7 weeks (or however long) with family and friends in Toronto, while I have guilt and sadness poured on me. I have been excited about seeing people at home for the past 2 months, and I can't wait. I don't want my time in Toronto, however long or short, to be anything but full of joy and contentment...and full of tears of being so stinking excited about getting to see my family again.

I also know...I just want those that I love to be proud of me. Proud of what I have been able to accomplish this year, despite absolutely nothing going according to what I had planned, and proud of the fact that I've stepped way out of my comfort zone and applied to Bible college.

I don't really know what else to say besides that. I guess just to conclude, I do have a prayer request. Please keep my application to College in your prayers...along with my sanity. I know God is good. He will see me through.

Blessings