Have you ever smiled at a baby? Caught one's eye as you were standing in a line at the shops, or walked by one in a pram while walking down the street? I have to admit, I can't help myself. I smile every single time I see a baby. And do you know what happens 9 times out of 10? They smile back. Not one of those fake smiles, or slightly uncomfortable "why are you looking at me" smiles. A beautiful, ear-to-ear, full hearted smile...simply because you smiled at them first. At church on Sunday morning, as my husband and I sat smiling at the very cute baby sitting with her parents a few rows up from us, I found myself thinking on this point.
At what point in our lives do we stop smiling at the people around us? When is it that something clicks in us to make us not want to engage with people, to meet someone new, to think first of those around us before ourselves?
A smile is contagious. I've seen this in action many times. There is no greater example though, then that of my dear friend Sharon. I couldn't tell you how many times while simply walking down the street in downtown Toronto, or at a subway station, or in a crowded shopping center, people stopped to talk to her just because she had smiled at them. As we walked, she smiled (to tell you the truth, I could probably count on one hand the amount of times Sharon has NOT smiled). Lots of people smiled back, some stopped to say hi or simply comment on her lovely smile.
What makes us so afraid to engage with the people around us? Now, I'm not even talking about strangers you pass on the street or in the shopping center...but what makes us fear engaging with the people we work with? Go to church with? Study with? Live next to on our street? See every single day? What makes us so afraid to forget ourselves for a moment, and reach out to someone else? What keeps us from having good
and flourishing ministries in our churches...ones that cross the generations because people aren't fearful of what they don't know or might put them out of their comfort zone?
As a teenager I was not good at meeting new people. Well...my husband would probably say that it still might be the case. Part of that is I hate change, and I like what I know. Part of that is because (like most people) I've got trust issues due to past hurts and scars. But most of it, in hind sight, is because I'm selfish. I have memories of sitting in church as a youth, and someone my age who was new turns up, and all I can think of is my world (like every good teenager). I don't want to put myself out there and look like an idiot by going up to a complete stranger and introducing myself. What if they don't like me? What if they're better at stuff then I am? What if they're super annoying and I just can't stand talking to them? Solution for teenage Esther....simply don't.
I literally grew up with one of my now best friends I've ever had, Jess, going to the same church, our schools attending the same suburb functions, going on the same youth camps...never ever engaging with her or bothering to get to know her. Years later when we worked on camp together, turns out we were co-counselor soul mates and she's one of the best friends I've ever had. She told me once that growing up she had always thought I was a bit of a snob and not very nice...and she was right. I simply couldn't be bothered to engage, and missed out on having a best friend that many years sooner.
Going back to what I think kept me from engaging with others, selfishness, I think this is a key issue. It comes in various sizes and shapes and looks different on different people, but ultimately selfishness is a major key in why we simply just don't let people in, suck it all up to say hello to someone new, or have churches that are truly successful cross generational communities.
When you smile at a baby, they don't contemplate how this new person is going to factor into their perfectly set up world. Or wonder what they're going to get out of the relationship. Their instinct isn't to be afraid and keep their true feelings hidden, and they don't think "but I'm just not good with adults. Let the adults worker talk to them". They smile back.
Nothing makes me more angry then lines like "I just don't know how to talk to teenagers" or "I'm really not good with people" or "you can look after all the kids, right?" or "it's so and so's job to look after that age group, let them do it." Let me tell you a little secret....you have nothing to lose, and anyone can do it. Start with a smile, listen well, put yourself second, be yourself...and I promise the rest will all fall into place. It's in our DNA to be in relationship with people...it's how we were created to be. So surely engaging with others, regardless of age, gender, race and belief, can't be too far past our capacity?
Like I said, I still struggle with new people. I"m slow to trust, I like what I know, and sometimes simply cannot be bothered to exert the energy it takes to get to know someone new and start the process ALL over again. But I do love community...and belonging...and family events where I get to see every generation engaging with each other simply because we've put them in the same room together...and that's worth sharing with others.
So...let's all start with a smile, and just see what happens.
