Feels both so far away and like it was just yesterday. Honestly, a lot of the past year and the nine months previous to that is a haze...a traumatic, emotional, overtired, roller coaster of a haze.
In short, I am not the same person I was a year ago. I have a new title...mother. It felt foreign, strange and a bit uncomfortable at first, like trying to break in a new pair of shoes. But the more time that passes the more it fits "just right", as if it was what I was always meant to be.
Along with that new title comes a lot of other new things. A new body, a new perspective on life, a new wake up time (I can't even remember what it was like to need to set an alarm..), and a whole new set of challenges and learning curves.
The most astonishing thing about the past year is being able to be a part of the creation of a life. It's down right insane, magical, and freaking amazing. I don't think our language has developed to the point to be able to adequately describe what it's like to be apart of not only the privilege of bringing a life into this world, but then to watch in awe and wonder each day as it turns into a real human being. I can't count how many times Matt and I have looked at each other, shook our heads, and just sat in disbelief as we watched the incredible little life grow and blossom into a unique individual right in front of our eyes. Every day we look into those big beautiful eyes of our son and cannot believe that there was ever a time when he didn't exist...there is just far too much personality to have not always been.
It's been a hard road. Pregnancy was the worst experience of my life, and despite assurances that I'd miss it when it was over...I don't. I spent months feeling like I was going to die, that I was a failure because I couldn't healthily grow a baby inside me, and guilt that I was letting down everyone in my life. And between those 9 months and then a complicated birth and difficult recovery, I suffered depression, anxiety and post traumatic stress. It was 6 months before the thought of taking my blood pressure didn't make me have a full out anxiety freak out, and only recently when getting a tattoo I nearly fainted at the thought of having a needle near me (after never having a fear of needles in my life and already having 5 tattoos).
It's been only in the past month where I can honestly say I feel like some version of "me" again. Lincoln is (finally) sleeping through the night, I am finding time and motivation to exercise, clothes are starting to fit comfortably, I have the energy to focus on the days I'm at work, and I am getting back some resemblance of a social life. It's also been long enough now that the idea of ever being pregnant again doesn't make me want to have an absolute melt down.
But...of course I would do it all again, and it was most definitely all worth it. If anything, everything I've gone through only makes me appreciate having a child and being a mum all the more. I had to work hard at a lot of it but the smiles, cuddles, and kisses I get from that crazy little one year old every day makes me so thankful for the journey that brought him into my life.
Today I feel extremely blessed. I am incredibly thankful for the people who have hung on and have survived this bumpy ride with Matt, Lincoln and I. Thank you to family who have been nothing short of a life line in helping me survive, and have just poured so much love into Lincoln's life. Thank you to friends who have had to put up with going months without seeing us, last minute cancellations, and have let Lincoln become a part of their lives. And thank you to everyone in the Reservoir community who were so patient while I was sick, and have given Lincoln such a beautiful welcome into this world, and are already becoming so incredibly import to him.
Time to celebrate today with my now one year old, and to see what life's got for us next.
