The Slow Zoo Visit

I went to the zoo this week with my kid. It's one of his favourite places to go, and it's been ages since we've visited. The day was cold and wet, but I decided we'd rug up and make the trip anyways. 

It didn't occur to me until after we started our visit that we've never actually gone before with just the two of us. We usually go with friends or family, and have only ever gone for a couple hours at a time. Well, it was just the two of us, and we had the whole day ahead of us with no other plans. I could let my two year old take his time and wander around at his own pace, and spend the day following his lead. After reading an article recently about "slow parenting" I thought that this was the perfect time to put it into practise. 

Even though I knew we had no where to be and could take our time, I still had to stop myself from saying "come on!" or "let's go!" every few minutes when I was ready to move on or thought we should go a bit quicker. It's just so hard to slow down the adult brain to that of a toddler's pace. 

We got to the under water exhibit and watched the seals for a while. There's not a whole lot more to do there and we usually move through it quite quickly. After walking by the few aquariums heading towards the exit, Lincoln stopped at the last one that was at his eye level and contained one fish. He started talking to it, following it with his finger as it swam back and forth. After a few minutes I asked if he was done, and he said no. So I waited a few more and asked again...still no. Reminding myself that I was trying to be intentional about making the day go at his pace, I gave up "waiting" and sat down on the ground next to where Lincoln was still talking away to the fish, pulled out our lunch, and just enjoyed the experience with him. He must have noticed the change because after a minute or two he jumped into my lap and continued to babble on and pointing to the fish, wanting me to take in all in with him. We probably stayed there for about half an hour just watching this one fish swim back and forth in the tank. But just letting myself get immersed in the experience my toddler was having and waiting until he told me he was "all done" made it a real highlight of my day. 

Throughout the rest of the day I was really aware of when to just let him linger and in doing so our trip involved a very long time yelling "turtle!!" at a lot of tortoises, a great deal of puddle jumping, standing and talking to monkeys, reading books and playing with toys in the kids indoor area, and very very slowly eating a giant sausage roll while yelling at birds who tried to steal it. It was probably the best day at the zoo I've ever had. 

It doesn't always work to let your toddler move at their own pace, because life is busy and fast and full of things that we need to get to. But it's definitely worth looking for and making opportunities where you can just slow down, let them take the lead, and realize that life is a bit more fun and full of things to be enjoyed if we just slow down long enough for them. Lincoln isn't always going to have such little legs that take ages to get anywhere,  enjoy standing and staring at a single fish in a tank for a crazy long time, or notice every puddle along the path. Knowing that, I think I'd much rather spend the time while he's still this little meeting him in his world, instead of trying to make him fit into mine. 

My Team Mate

I was reminded recently about the first conversation my husband and I ever had. It happened about 12 years ago in Toronto, and I honestly still remember every detail about it. Where we were, how I was standing, how fast my heart was beating, what he looked like, what we said, and most importantly...what he was wearing. Because the entire conversation was about what he was wearing. Matt was wearing a Homestar Runner hoodie (side note - if you don't know who Homestar Runner is, please go and google it and spend the next hour or several immersing yourself in the comedy gold that is Homestar. Thank me later.) and I worked up the nerve to comment to him that I too was a fan and had my own hoodie. The rest, as they say, is history. (And for the record, he still has the hoodie).

Matt and I have been through a lot together over the past 12 years, the last 5 and a bit of which we've been married for, and the last 2 we've been parents. It certainly hasn't been boring, although it hasn't all been fun. One thing that has remained constant however is that my life is better with him in it. I am better with him doing life with me and together, as a team, we can tackle life heaps better then we ever could alone.

I've told the story plenty of times how on our wedding night I gave Matt a stack of letters that I had written to him years before I had ever met him. Some were silly ramblings of an immature and naive teenager, while others contained prayers and hopes for the husband I had yet to meet. I didn't know exactly how that moment would play out when these letters I had been holding on to for 10 years were finally placed in my brand new husbands hand, and I was honestly feeling quite embarrassed and nervous to give him such an open view to my inner thoughts and feelings from before I knew him. But he received them with silent awe as I explained what they were, and then proceeded to read through them one by one with tears in his eyes. He stopped every now and then as he corresponded the dates the letters were written to what he was going through at the time I had written it and we were both blown away by how prayers were written in times that he needed them most.

It's always good to remember where you've come from so that you can learn from past experiences, but also so that you can have a better idea of how to handle what has yet to come. When I look back what I know is that Matt is my best friend, and the best team mate I could ever ask for. Life is heaps more fun, interesting, bearable, exciting and possible because I have him by my side. I am blessed to know him, blessed to call him my husband, and blessed to have him as the father of my child.

Dear Teenager...

Dear Teenager;

If you read nothing else in this blog, read this. You are winning at this. Being a teenager is hard, for a ridiculous amount of reasons, and it's a war zone out there...but you're winning and you've got this.

Being a teenager is hard. I get it. I know EXACTLY what it's like when you sit alone in your room, blaring music that is full of the feels, tears streaming down your face as your heart is literally overflowing with emotions you can't explain or understand, and feeling like no one gets it. No one could possibly get what it feels like to be me right now. No one could possibly understand who I am.

I know what it's like to go to war with the mirror every day as you look at your reflection and shake your head at what you see looking back at you, and spend hours upon hours trying to figure out the best way to cover the parts of you you don't want anyone to notice.

I know what it's like to walk out into the world hoping that no one notices the hundreds of flaws you think you have, and what it's like when a bully puts your under their gaze and delivers insults that stab you to the heart that you then carry for far longer then you should.

I know what it's like when you feel hollow, empty, and dead inside and you consider some not so good ideas to help you feel something, anything, in a way that you can actually control.

I know what it's like to feel like there's nowhere you belong, and spending more energy then you've got on trying to fit in or make sure your friends continue to like you.

All adults were teenagers once...many have just forgotten what it was like because of the years that have passed, or maybe they've just repressed the memories because it was all just too hard.

Being a teenager IS hard. It may be the most challenging years of your life. For that reason, I want to say to all teens out there...you are amazing. You are a warrior for every day that you conquer.  The things you feel and experience and journey through as a teenager DO matter because they are part of who you are and the road that you're on. Never feel that you're stupid for thinking or feeling any of it. It's all important. It's all you.

Please know that you are not alone, you're never alone, although sometimes letting yourself believe that you are feels so much easier then letting others in who do in fact love and care for you. It just takes a second though to take a breath, open your eyes a little bit wider, and have a look to see who is there, stretching out a hand or offering a strong shoulder to lean on. Don't walk the journey alone, it's so much more fun to walk along side others.

Please know it's not the amount of friends you have that matters (FYI that number next to "Friends" on Facebook does not mean anything of importance...at all) but the quality of the friends thats important. Find one person who will fight along side you, and for you (and sometimes, with you) because two is stronger then one. The quality of the people in my life as a teenager is the one reason I survived it (thank you to those high school mates who are still journeying life with me!).

Please know that high school will end, and you will all go on with the rest of your life, and it won't take long for you to realise that some things really weren't that big a deal and took up way too much of your time and energy. High school is just a season that will end, but try to find ways to make it as fun and worthwhile as possible until it does.

Please know that one day you probably will look back on your life as a teen and wish that you took more time to appreciate it all before "being an adult" took you over. For this reason try to not wish the time away but find a way to actually enjoy the time that you've got by kicking out people and things that make you feel crap and finding the stuff that makes life worth living.

Please know that bullies are stupid, and probably have more crap going on in their lives then yours, and for that reason you should just pity them, ignore them, and move on with your day. Also, don't be afraid to ask for help in standing up to a bully, or finding someone to talk to if you've been hurt. And if you're the bully...just stop it. You will get no where good in life and you should probably find someone to talk to about why it is you take pleasure in hurting others.

Dear teenager....you've got this. You're winning, and you're not alone.

x

Simple.

Yesterday a 10 year old, who happens to be one of Lincoln’s favourite people, picked him up from behind to give him a cuddle which resulted in him being frustrated and cracking it. I saw it happen, and called the 10 year old aside and said “I don’t mind if you pick up Lincoln, but make sure you look at him in the face and ask him if you can first.” Hoping I hadn’t offended her she simply responded with “Oh! Can he say yes and no now?” To which I replied with yup he can, and he can also say “up” when he wants someone to pick him up. This ended our conversation and she happily ran along. A few minutes later I saw her holding Lincoln and she beamed at me and said “he asked me to pick him up!!” This made my heart smile. I had been afraid of asking her to respect Lincoln’s wishes, but she understood immediately why I had asked and within minutes Lincoln demonstrated to her that he did in fact love her by asking for her to pick him up. Simple.

The request I made of that 10 year old yesterday I have played over and over in my brain for months now as I kick myself every time I don’t have the guts to say to an adult, “could you please ask him before you pick him up, and if he says no, please respect his wishes”. I’m constantly worried about offending someone and that I’m going to be judged as overprotective or malicious instead of it simply being that I’m just being a good mum and giving my son the rights that he deserves. I think though that yesterday’s conversation has given me a bit of strength and clarity about it all. If a 10 year old can get that someone smaller then her has the right to say when he does or doesn’t want to be touched, then SURELY adults can grasp that concept too?

This morning when I was saying goodbye to my kid as I headed off for work, I said “could I have a kiss?” to which he immediately shook his head, and literally pushed me out the door as he was eager to do his new favourite of blowing me a kiss goodbye, waving, and slamming the door closed behind me. Of course I was a little shattered, but I had to laugh at his determination to follow through on a routine we’ve been teaching him (and be thankful he doesn’t have a meltdown every time I walk out the door anymore) and be glad that he knows how to express what he wants. If he’s allowed to say no to me, his mum (and have his “no” respected), about kisses and cuddles how much more should he be allowed to say it to other’s in his life?

I am actively working on the anxiety I feel constantly and daily that I am an over protective crazy mother who see’s evil in everyone and is making decisions for all the wrong reasons. The truth is, I am logical and rational and am making good and healthy choices to help give my kid a voice and the strength to stand up for himself....and I am repeating that sentence to myself over and over and over again until I believe it.

I will always step in to protect Lincoln from himself and those around him, and that includes making choices for him that put up safe boundaries and help guide him as he grows because that’s my job as his parent. But that does not mean I have to ignore his voice or squash his right to voice his opinion and choices.

Children don’t exist to make adult’s lives better. Oh, that’s definitely a wonderfully amazing bi-product of having kids in our lives, but their reason for living isn’t to make us feel better about ourselves (don’t hate me for saying it...just take a minute to let it sink in and you’ll know I am right). Realizing this, that in fact they have the right to just exist and enjoy life, just like an adult, means that we stop treating them as something that is there simply for our enjoyment and start giving them respect and letting them make their own choices. This means that if my kid refuses to acknowledge you exist today because a toy car seems far more exciting or if he doesn’t want to be picked up because running and screaming is way more up his alley at the moment, don’t take it personally and don’t blame him. He does not exist to make your life better, so perhaps take the time to figure out how you can be a positive influence in his.

My kid has some exceptional people in his life, and he is so incredibly blessed by that (as am I). Another huge thank you to those who take the time to let Lincoln have his say in the relationship they have with him. 

To those, like the 10 year old yesterday, who maybe just don’t know that Lincoln is capable of saying yes or no....this is me telling you, he can, and will, and you MUST respect his right to express that.  This mum is no longer going to wrestle with guilt for doing the right thing and letting you know that it’s not okay for you to ignore his no’s.