A Mother's Guilt

One of the biggest struggles I've had since becoming a mother is the constant battle of trying between putting my kid first and making others happy.

My son was but days old the first time I faced this challenge when asking the midwife in the hospital how long until she came again to help me with breast feeding and saying out loud something to the extent of "okay, so I should be able to fit in a feed just before it's visiting hours so that people can come and see us..." to which she strongly (and kindly) put be back into some much needed reality and said "um, your child comes first...it doesn't matter when he needs to feed, your visitors can wait." I was instantly shocked with myself that I had actually started to plan the needs of my 2 day old son around the needs of others, who were not dependant on me for their very survival.

17 months later, I'm still battling with this. Usually it's in the form of guilt when we let people down or complicate things by needing to cancel plans due to our own illness/fatigue that comes with having a kid, or because of whatever 100's of possible reason's Link is unwell/not up for it...or because Link has decided he just wants his mum today and no one else...or because Link has an explosion out of one end or the other making things extremely smelling and messy...or a new but increasing issue of Link's stubborn, determined tantrum having toddler self has demanded things go his way and his way alone...etc, etc, etc.

Oh, I would like to add to all of you parents out there doing this job wayyyyy before I became a parent....I am sorry for any negative and judgmental thing I did/thought/said because you put your kids first.  There really are a great number of things you cannot grasp or understand until you actually have one of these little brats, I mean, bundles of joy, and I am deeply sorry to anyone in my life who I may have acted unfairly or selfishly to in the past because I couldn't fully grasp what it means to have to put your kid and family first.

One of the most consistent times I'm facing this struggle is voicing my thoughts/concerns when someone does something that effects my son that I don't like.  My first indication is often to down play it in my head, make myself forget I saw it, or to rationalise it myself that it in fact wasn't that bad. I have to intentionally tell myself every day that I am Lincoln's advocate, and his voice, and that it is my job and right to stand up for him to keep him safe and to make sure he is protected and looked after. Considering I am often one to bluntly share my thoughts and opinions about, well lets face it, everything...this whole internal battle is a constant surprise to myself that I am feeling so out of my depth and low in confidence in what essentially boils down to standing up for my son as his mother.  I don't know if it's because almost everyone has an opinion about what constitutes a good parent (don't pretend you don't...I know that you've looked at a parent in public at least once in your life and judged them in some form or another...we've all been there), or because society as a whole still doesn't validate and give rights to children that they deserve while they are still young and "helpless", or simply because I just don't want people to judge or think poorly of me. Whatever the reason, it's a daily struggle and one that I know will probably not go away for a very long time.

We are working on teaching Lincoln that he has a say about his body and that his opinion matters.  At this age what that looks like is letting his "no"'s mean something when he doesn't want to be touched. We've taught him how to blow kisses and wave when we say goodbye to someone so that he has a variety of ways at his disposable to show this act without needing to be touched in the form of a kiss or a hug if he doesn't want to. How this is effected by all that I've said above is the dilemma of offending someone by not letting them touch him if he has made a sign that he doesn't want them to. It sounds so easy in theory but when it comes down to the nitty gritty of it, people are so easily put off if a cute little baby/toddler doesn't want to show them attention or physical affection, especially if they think they're deserving of it.

I have to admit, it's already hard for me that my son is old enough to decide when he wants to be cuddled, kissed, hold hands, read to, etc, and is no longer a completely helpless newborn that I can hold, squeeze and kiss every second that I want to. I have to remind myself every day that he has the right to choices, especially about his body, and I have to already give him the independence when he wants it to be his own little person exploring the world and developing his personality.

I don't know if I have a point to this blog, or if I simply just wanted to get out of my head and admit to the world one of the struggles I am facing as a mother.  But to try and finish this rambling off with a bit of a summary....Let's all try to be less judgemental, give parents permission to ACTUALLY put their kids and families first (no saying it and not actually meaning it all you passive aggressive people out there), never ever make a parent feel guilty because their kid (shockingly) prefers to spend time with them over you, and let's all work a little harder and teaching kids (yes as young as 17 months) that their opinion matters and just because we're adults we don't have a say about how we touch their bodies.

My little observer.

One of my favourite things about my 15 month old is that he is highly observational.  Some of it is due to the fact that children are wired to be mini detectives to soak in the world around them so that they can learn and grow into functional human beings. But I think it is also just part of who he is as an individual and he's walking in the footsteps of his parents who both pride themselves on their observational skills.

I love taking Lincoln out for walks, and I do enjoy taking him to the shops. Now that he's a very confident walker I love letting him walk and explore and just watching everything through his eyes as he stops and takes his time to notice and interact with everything he comes across.

What makes his observational skills stand out is how he notices people. Every single person that he walks by, or walks by him, he looks at and observes...and as soon as they notice him back, he's ready with one of his very adorable smiles. Our trips to the shops always consist of dozens of conversations varying in length and depth with strangers who are captivated by his smile and big eyes and pause for a moment or stop for a longer chat with him and I.

If you haven't met Lincoln, he has literally been wide eyed since the moment of birth. Matt and I were both treated to beautiful big eyed gazes right from the very first minutes he was born, and many of his first visitors at the hospital were met with this wide eyed little bundle looking inquisitively at everyone and everything whenever he was awake (if I had a dollar for everyone who used the expression "he's been here before..."). His whole life has consisted of him believing that people are meant to be looked at and smiled at, particularly strangers whom he's never seen before.

The best part of watching him now walk around at the shops, which we were doing this morning, is seeing this cute little ray of sunshine work his way into the hearts of every single person who we come across. Whether he's running around in the play area, sitting eating some lunch, or walking in his meandering curious way through the shopping centre, he always stops to notice everyone around him.  And he doesn't stop looking at that person until they're either out of eye sight, or they've noticed him as well and shared a smile with him.  I love seeing how people's faces transform when they notice his smile.  Matt and I both like to think that he's helping give a happy moment to someone who really needed something to smile about just at that time.

It's such a happy reminder seeing this innocent little one notice and show love to complete strangers every day regardless of age, race or gender...free of judgement or hate. I pray that the day his perception of the world is shattered is far far away or even non existent...that even as he grows and learns about the hardships of the world around him he continues to observe and notice others outside of himself and loves them for who they are, simply because.

It's Been a Year.

A year ago.

Feels both so far away and like it was just yesterday. Honestly, a lot of the past year and the nine months previous to that is a haze...a traumatic, emotional, overtired, roller coaster of a haze.

In short, I am not the same person I was a year ago. I have a new title...mother. It felt foreign, strange and a bit uncomfortable at first, like trying to break in a new pair of shoes. But the more time that passes the more it fits "just right", as if it was what I was always meant to be.

Along with that new title comes a lot of other new things.  A new body, a new perspective on life, a new wake up time (I can't even remember what it was like to need to set an alarm..), and a whole new set of challenges and learning curves.

The most astonishing thing about the past year is being able to be a part of the creation of a life. It's down right insane, magical, and freaking amazing. I don't think our language has developed to the point to be able to adequately describe what it's like to be apart of not only the privilege of bringing a life into this world, but then to watch in awe and wonder each day as it turns into a real human being. I can't count how many times Matt and I have looked at each other, shook our heads, and just sat in disbelief as we watched the incredible little life grow and blossom into a unique individual right in front of our eyes. Every day we look into those big beautiful eyes of our son and cannot believe that there was ever a time when he didn't exist...there is just far too much personality to have not always been.

It's been a hard road. Pregnancy was the worst experience of my life, and despite assurances that I'd miss it when it was over...I don't. I spent months feeling like I was going to die, that I was a failure because I couldn't healthily grow a baby inside me, and guilt that I was letting down everyone in my life. And between those 9 months and then a complicated birth and difficult recovery, I suffered depression, anxiety and post traumatic stress. It was 6 months before the thought of taking my blood pressure didn't make me have a full out anxiety freak out, and only recently when getting a tattoo I nearly fainted at the thought of having a needle near me (after never having a fear of needles in my life and already having 5 tattoos).

It's been only in the past month where I can honestly say I feel like some version of "me" again. Lincoln is (finally) sleeping through the night, I am finding time and motivation to exercise, clothes are starting to fit comfortably, I have the energy to focus on the days I'm at work, and I am getting back some resemblance of a social life. It's also been long enough now that the idea of ever being pregnant again doesn't make me want to have an absolute melt down.

But...of course I would do it all again, and it was most definitely all worth it. If anything, everything I've gone through only makes me appreciate having a child and being a mum all the more. I had to work hard at a lot of it but the smiles, cuddles, and kisses I get from that crazy little one year old every day makes me so thankful for the journey that brought him into my life.

Today I feel extremely blessed. I am incredibly thankful for the people who have hung on and have survived this bumpy ride with Matt, Lincoln and I. Thank you to family who have been nothing short of a life line in helping me survive, and have just poured so much love into Lincoln's life. Thank you to friends who have had to put up with going months without seeing us, last minute cancellations, and have let Lincoln become a part of their lives.  And thank you to everyone in the Reservoir community who were so patient while I was sick, and have given Lincoln such a beautiful welcome into this world, and are already becoming so incredibly import to him.

Time to celebrate today with my now one year old, and to see what life's got for us next.

Dear Lincoln...

Thank you.

Thank you for the smiles. Thank you for the cuddles. Thank you for the unconditional (and undeserved) love you lavish upon me everyday. Know that I treasure and relish every single hug, every kiss, and will never take them for granted.

Thank you for teaching me, stretching me, expanding me and forming me into a newer and even better version of myself that I never knew I was missing. Thank you for helping my heart explode to proportions that I never knew were possible as it grows every day to attempt to contain all the love I have for you.

Thank you for helping me slow down, helping me notice the small things and appreciate the details of what's around us. As I see life through your eyes as you grow and learn I see the world as I've never even dreamed, seeing it all through a lens of curiosity and wonder untainted by the weight of negativity and pain.

Thank you for being in my life. I know you may not have had a choice in the matter, but I want to thank you anyways. Some day you'll be able to choose how much time you want to spend with me, talk to me, visit me. Know that I appreciate every moment we have together and whatever may come I will continue to relish all the time you choose to give me.

Thank you Lincoln for being you. For the strong, cheeky, stubborn, funny, smart, curious, amazing little bundle you are and continue to grow into every day. Thank you for who you are...and when the days come that it becomes harder to be that, I hope you learn how to love you and never apologise for it.

 Thanks for the tears, the laughs, the frustrations, the experiences, the memories. 
Thanks for this journey. 

Thanks for letting me be your mum.

Love you to the moon and back.

x