A Mother's Guilt

One of the biggest struggles I've had since becoming a mother is the constant battle of trying between putting my kid first and making others happy.

My son was but days old the first time I faced this challenge when asking the midwife in the hospital how long until she came again to help me with breast feeding and saying out loud something to the extent of "okay, so I should be able to fit in a feed just before it's visiting hours so that people can come and see us..." to which she strongly (and kindly) put be back into some much needed reality and said "um, your child comes first...it doesn't matter when he needs to feed, your visitors can wait." I was instantly shocked with myself that I had actually started to plan the needs of my 2 day old son around the needs of others, who were not dependant on me for their very survival.

17 months later, I'm still battling with this. Usually it's in the form of guilt when we let people down or complicate things by needing to cancel plans due to our own illness/fatigue that comes with having a kid, or because of whatever 100's of possible reason's Link is unwell/not up for it...or because Link has decided he just wants his mum today and no one else...or because Link has an explosion out of one end or the other making things extremely smelling and messy...or a new but increasing issue of Link's stubborn, determined tantrum having toddler self has demanded things go his way and his way alone...etc, etc, etc.

Oh, I would like to add to all of you parents out there doing this job wayyyyy before I became a parent....I am sorry for any negative and judgmental thing I did/thought/said because you put your kids first.  There really are a great number of things you cannot grasp or understand until you actually have one of these little brats, I mean, bundles of joy, and I am deeply sorry to anyone in my life who I may have acted unfairly or selfishly to in the past because I couldn't fully grasp what it means to have to put your kid and family first.

One of the most consistent times I'm facing this struggle is voicing my thoughts/concerns when someone does something that effects my son that I don't like.  My first indication is often to down play it in my head, make myself forget I saw it, or to rationalise it myself that it in fact wasn't that bad. I have to intentionally tell myself every day that I am Lincoln's advocate, and his voice, and that it is my job and right to stand up for him to keep him safe and to make sure he is protected and looked after. Considering I am often one to bluntly share my thoughts and opinions about, well lets face it, everything...this whole internal battle is a constant surprise to myself that I am feeling so out of my depth and low in confidence in what essentially boils down to standing up for my son as his mother.  I don't know if it's because almost everyone has an opinion about what constitutes a good parent (don't pretend you don't...I know that you've looked at a parent in public at least once in your life and judged them in some form or another...we've all been there), or because society as a whole still doesn't validate and give rights to children that they deserve while they are still young and "helpless", or simply because I just don't want people to judge or think poorly of me. Whatever the reason, it's a daily struggle and one that I know will probably not go away for a very long time.

We are working on teaching Lincoln that he has a say about his body and that his opinion matters.  At this age what that looks like is letting his "no"'s mean something when he doesn't want to be touched. We've taught him how to blow kisses and wave when we say goodbye to someone so that he has a variety of ways at his disposable to show this act without needing to be touched in the form of a kiss or a hug if he doesn't want to. How this is effected by all that I've said above is the dilemma of offending someone by not letting them touch him if he has made a sign that he doesn't want them to. It sounds so easy in theory but when it comes down to the nitty gritty of it, people are so easily put off if a cute little baby/toddler doesn't want to show them attention or physical affection, especially if they think they're deserving of it.

I have to admit, it's already hard for me that my son is old enough to decide when he wants to be cuddled, kissed, hold hands, read to, etc, and is no longer a completely helpless newborn that I can hold, squeeze and kiss every second that I want to. I have to remind myself every day that he has the right to choices, especially about his body, and I have to already give him the independence when he wants it to be his own little person exploring the world and developing his personality.

I don't know if I have a point to this blog, or if I simply just wanted to get out of my head and admit to the world one of the struggles I am facing as a mother.  But to try and finish this rambling off with a bit of a summary....Let's all try to be less judgemental, give parents permission to ACTUALLY put their kids and families first (no saying it and not actually meaning it all you passive aggressive people out there), never ever make a parent feel guilty because their kid (shockingly) prefers to spend time with them over you, and let's all work a little harder and teaching kids (yes as young as 17 months) that their opinion matters and just because we're adults we don't have a say about how we touch their bodies.