Yesterday a 10 year old, who happens to be one of Lincoln’s
favourite people, picked him up from behind to give him a cuddle which resulted
in him being frustrated and cracking it. I saw it happen, and called the 10
year old aside and said “I don’t mind if you pick up Lincoln, but make sure you
look at him in the face and ask him if you can first.” Hoping I hadn’t offended
her she simply responded with “Oh! Can he say yes and no now?” To which I
replied with yup he can, and he can also say “up” when he wants someone to pick
him up. This ended our conversation and she happily ran along. A few minutes
later I saw her holding Lincoln and she beamed at me and said “he asked me to
pick him up!!” This made my heart smile. I had been afraid of asking her to
respect Lincoln’s wishes, but she understood immediately why I had asked and
within minutes Lincoln demonstrated to her that he did in fact love her by
asking for her to pick him up. Simple.
The request I made of that 10 year old yesterday I have
played over and over in my brain for months now as I kick myself every time I
don’t have the guts to say to an adult, “could you please ask him before you
pick him up, and if he says no, please respect his wishes”. I’m constantly
worried about offending someone and that I’m going to be judged as
overprotective or malicious instead of it simply being that I’m just being a
good mum and giving my son the rights that he deserves. I think though that yesterday’s
conversation has given me a bit of strength and clarity about it all. If a 10
year old can get that someone smaller then her has the right to say when he
does or doesn’t want to be touched, then SURELY adults can grasp that concept
too?
This morning when I was saying goodbye to my kid as I headed
off for work, I said “could I have a kiss?” to which he immediately shook his
head, and literally pushed me out the door as he was eager to do his new
favourite of blowing me a kiss goodbye, waving, and slamming the door closed
behind me. Of course I was a little shattered, but I had to laugh at his
determination to follow through on a routine we’ve been teaching him (and be
thankful he doesn’t have a meltdown every time I walk out the door anymore) and
be glad that he knows how to express what he wants. If he’s allowed to say no
to me, his mum (and have his “no” respected), about kisses and cuddles how much
more should he be allowed to say it to other’s in his life?
I am actively working on the anxiety I feel constantly and
daily that I am an over protective crazy mother who see’s evil in everyone and
is making decisions for all the wrong reasons. The truth is, I am logical and
rational and am making good and healthy choices to help give my kid a voice and
the strength to stand up for himself....and I am repeating that sentence to
myself over and over and over again until I believe it.
I will always step in to protect Lincoln from himself and
those around him, and that includes making choices for him that put up safe
boundaries and help guide him as he grows because that’s my job as his parent.
But that does not mean I have to ignore his voice or squash his right to voice
his opinion and choices.
Children don’t exist to make adult’s lives better. Oh, that’s
definitely a wonderfully amazing bi-product of having kids in our lives, but
their reason for living isn’t to make us feel better about ourselves (don’t
hate me for saying it...just take a minute to let it sink in and you’ll know I
am right). Realizing this, that in fact they have the right to just exist and
enjoy life, just like an adult, means that we stop treating them as something
that is there simply for our enjoyment and start giving them respect and
letting them make their own choices. This means that if my kid refuses to acknowledge
you exist today because a toy car seems far more exciting or if he doesn’t want
to be picked up because running and screaming is way more up his alley at the
moment, don’t take it personally and don’t blame him. He does not exist to make
your life better, so perhaps take the time to figure out how you can be a
positive influence in his.
My kid has some exceptional people in his life, and he is so
incredibly blessed by that (as am I). Another huge thank you to those who take
the time to let Lincoln have his say in the relationship they have with
him.
