"Where I cannot see, I'll trust"

Saturday night I had the privledge of attending a very beautiful covenant service with 614. Throughout the evening my heart was stirred as God spoke into my life and revealed some new truths to me.

"Humbled by Your Majesty,

Forgiven so that I can forgive..."

I came to realize how proud a person I am. I think it's a hard thing for me to admit that I'm wrong. Not just in terms of proving a point in a discussion or debate with someone...but I have difficulties accepting the fact that I am capable of hurting someone's feelings without realizing it. Recently I had an old friend confess that I had hurt them in the past, and because of that they didn't think very much of me. Instead of humbling myself and apologizing...I argued. I gave reasons, excuses and pointed out in a very wordy speech that I wasn't the one to blame, and there was a logical explanation as to why feelings had been hurt and why we weren't friends anymore.

I realized Saturday night what a proud person I am and the difficulties I have in admitting that I have done wrong and require the forgiveness from someone that I may have hurt...unintentionally or otherwise. I think this is a hard thing for me to overcome and completely change...but I am glad to have been made aware of it and hope to continue to improve and have God keep me accountable.

"Your grace has found me just as I am..

Empty handed but alive in Your hands..."

During the course of the service on Saturday we had put in our hand a mustard seed, and a few beads of yeast. The parable of the mustard seed and yeast was read from the Bible, and we were asked to consider this passage. We were to think of any hopes and dreams that we have...however small and insignificant they seemed, and then to turn to someone beside you and spend some time talking about these dreams and praying about them.

"There must be more than this..."

As I began to think over this passage and apply to myself, I became a bit scared. I realized that although I have the next step of my life planned out to go to Australia...beyond that I am completely clueless. I have this burning desire to be used by God...to be useful to His ministry, and to not waste my life. But what exactly that means, or where my life is going...I really have no idea. My friend who I talked to shared similar fears as me, and also just wanted to be of some use to God, and not just a waste of space. So we took a few moments as we shed some tears to pray into each other reassurance and confidence that yes, God does have a use for our lives.

It's a scary thing to realize that you have no control over your life, and you have no idea in what direction your life is going after this exact moment. But it's also such a beautiful comfort to know that all we need is a mustard seed of faith...and God WILL use that. The tiny little seed that I had sitting in the palm of my hand...that's it...that's all God needs.

"And where I cannot see I'll trust..."

Sunday morning at my church, I heard a very good sermon that seemed to bring conclusion to what God was speaking to me at the covenant service the night before.

Obedience.

I don't know the step beyond the one I'm about about to take in two months. But I definitely need to trust God with what is beyond that. It's as if God is holding a flash light out for me as I walk in a dark place. He doesn't use a flood light and show me everything that is upcoming in my life. Instead he shines a little flashlight right in front of my feet..shining the light bright enough for me to see my next step. I need to trust that as I take this one...God will then reveal to me the step that is beyond that.

I do have a fear of moving on, and I'm discouraged by the things that are unknown. I have a fear of not having enough money for Australia. I have a fear of becoming broken and unusable to God while trying to learn and grow in a country far away from my family and friends. I have a fear of returning home and not being talented enough or smart enough to be involved in ministry taking place in Toronto. And I have a fear of an unknown future.

But I do know...that unless I take this step that's right in my immediate future...I won't know what God has in store for me beyond that. I need to trust the unknowns to God..and remember to enjoy the journey.