Feeling the Territorial Vibe

Well, I've been at Territorial now for 3 full days...and I'm alive and praising the Lord!!

It has been a real process of feeling like I fit in, in a really uncomfortable atmosphere, and being brave and pushing my boundaries. But God is good!

I have been absolutely loving my drama main stream. This morning we filmed from a script we've been rehearsing. This was my first time being filmed in anything like this, and I was really nervous. But I ended up having so much fun, and really learning a lot.

Tonight I experienced one of the coolest things I've ever been blessed to be apart of!

The evening program was coming to an end, and the camp was dismissed from the auditorium, after one last song was sung. But praise the Lord the Holy Spirit wasn't ready to let it end! A totally random praise and worship fest just let loose! People were just grabbing any percussion instruments that were around to hit and make music onto the Lord. Everyone else just clapped their hands, stomped their feet, and used their voices to shout praises to our Father in Heaven! Joel started reading scripture into the microphone, as the rhythm of the spirit just flowed and moved through the building...and how the people danced!! I have never felt so free! It was truly an incredible experience, where everyone just felt the total freedom and abandonment that you get when you lose yourself in the Lord! AMEN!

I'm pretty tired right now, so I think this is about all I'm going to write for this post. But know that amazing things are happening at Territorial, and God has claimed this camp as holy ground! Continue to pray for all that is going on as the week continues.

God is good!

Facing the Music Camp Fear

I have a confession.

I am utterly and completely petrified of Salvation Army Music Camps.

I attended Junior Music Camp at Jacksons Point when I was 7, but haven't attended one since then. I didn't have the greatest week at camp, and was left with a lot of sore feelings about the competitive and snobby nature of a lot of the campers I attended Junior with.

For one reason or another, I decided to attend Territorial at Jacksons Point this year. So in three short days (gulp) I am going to be a camper at the Territorial School of Music and Gospel Arts. I am starting to get a bit excited about the fact that I get to be a camper again for the first time in a long time...but honestly, I am also scared to death.

There is nothing outstanding about me in terms of anything musically or artistically in any way shape or form. I am not known in any parts of the Salvation Army for any kind of musical or dramatic talent. I am about to begin a camp where people attending are just bursting with talent and abilities and every bone in them is an artistically creative one. Not only that, the majority of people who are my friends who are also attending, are right up there in the talent spectrum, and a lot of them are fairly well known or heard of in music circles. To say that I'm feeling intimidated is an understatement.

I'm scared about a lot.

About looking like a fool and not doing well in the drama stream. About friends who I normally have a lot in common with and hang out with, switching into that music camp mode and no longer having time for me. About not fitting in with a lot of talented people. About having to feel like I have to impress people or act a certain way in order to fit in.

Chances are, at the end of next week, I'll look back on these fears and think they were silly. But some hurts run deep, and in looking at diving head first into something that I've spent my life staying far away from in my Salvation Army involvement....this is a big step.

I'm doing my best to stay open minded, non-judgmental, and to trust it all to God. I want to have an amazing week where I can hear the Lord and draw closer to Him in a whole variety of aspects.

So I guess...here goes nothing...

Why I Love My Cabin Leaders...

I love my cabin leaders because they were my absolute strength this summer. Honestly, I wouldn’t have accomplished what I did, or survived these two months without the impact that each of you made in my lives. I really don’t know how to put into words of how proud I am of each of you, as God has done a miracle in some way in each of your lives. Never doubt that God has his hand on your lives, and that through His strength, all things are possible. I love you all so much!

I LOVE….

KANGA: …because you give me that extra bit of support, always when I seem to need it the most, and you live your life so selflessly…
SNOOZE: …because you always have such a beautiful smile on your face, and you care so genuinely about everyone around you…
LILO: …because nothing seems to get you down, and you remain positive about everything…
CAPIZZIO: …because you always brighten my day with your random antics, and God is such an incredible vivid part of everything you do…
CHIP: …because you see life in such a simplistically beautiful way, and you care so much about the people around you…
PADDINGTON: …because you have such a beautiful and pure heart, and have such a genuine love for the kids that you work with…
CINDERELLA: …because you care so much about all the kids you come into contact with, and you have grown into such an incredible woman of God…
GYPSY: …because you have such a real passion for loving the unloved, and you care so deeply about ministering to others…
TWIX: …because simply being at camp is all the motivation you need to keep going, and you show love so incredibly to all the kids you meet…
SNOWFLAKE: …because you are so strong spirited and won’t let obstacles get you down, and are willing to dive head first into new situations…
TICKLES: …because you’re just a huge softy with an enormous heart, and you are always making sure that I’m in a good mood…
PEPPI: …because you are always there with a hug and a smile when I need it most, and you just have fun with life no matter what comes your way…
NITRO: …because you continually strive to do so well, and you make such an impact in so many campers lives…
FLAME: …because you are continually seeking after God, and you care so much about all those around you…
SPIDEY: …because you’re so patient at teaching me how to play guitar, and you are so full of God’s love for everyone you meet, especially your campers…
G-FUNK: …because you’re absolutely hilarious and always keep me laughing, and you have a real genuine passion and love for all those hard to love kids…
SOUTHPAW: …because you kept persevering, and are always striving to do better…
WOODSTOCK: …because you’re an incredible man of God and demonstrate that so vividly to your campers, and are always there to make sure I’m doing alright…

A Campfire Moment

I have had to unfortunately spend the better part of today in bed sleeping, as I'm sick again (round 3), and trying desperately to get healthy again.

But, I was able to make it to camp fire tonight, and I just wanted to share the highlight of my day.

I have been encouraging a lot of my cabin leaders to step out and take initiative in areas that they were timid about at the beginning of the summer. I have been telling Paddington to do devotions at campfire for the last couple of weeks, but she's been a bit nervous about it. But, I was delighted tonight to see her get up in front of the camp to lead them.

She spoke so incredibly well, it just melted my heart to see her up in front of 110 kids, passionately telling them about several Bible stories of God going miraculous things...using something small, and turning it into something huge.

She concluded with telling that campers that it doesn't matter that they're young, God can still use whatever talents and abilities that they have to do great wonders. As she was concluding her devotion, little adorable 7 year old Kurtis that I had sitting on my lap, just began to beam ear to ear. Although the rest of his cabin was a bit restless and having difficulties sitting still, Kurtis gave Paddington his full attention and just soaked up every beautiful word that she said. At the end, I asked him if he liked the story and he just smiled at me and let out an enthusiastic "yah!"

Through Paddingtons braveness to lead a devotion (that she did an absolutely fantastic job at I might add..) I know that she reached at least one little camper. Love it.

Just two weeks left...

To be honest, I didn't start off this camp week with much optimism.

I had a bit of a bad day yesterday, and it didn't look like week number seven was starting off too well. I found out that my roommate, and closest friend at camp, was given doctors orders to take the next two weeks off from work, and get some rest. As much as I hated to hear that my biggest strength this summer was leaving me, I was relieved to hear that she would be getting some much needed (and deserved) time off. Among a series of other small instances that occurred yesterday, the other big one was having to deal a camper from cabin seven late last night. I spent almost an hour with him, until nearly 11:00pm, trying to calm him down and get him to stop lashing out at his cabin leaders and fellow campers. By the time we got him to bed, it didn't feel like much was resolved and things weren't looking good for him remaining at camp for the week.

I went to bed last night feeling pretty broken. All of a sudden the quick pace that this summer has been moving on, seemed to come to a halt, and I was unsure of how exactly I was going to survive the rest of camp. It's been a hard summer in terms of having people around that I can talk to and bare my soul with, and finding encouragement and motivation to keep on. So, although my sister slept in my room with me last night, so that I didn't have to look at my roommates side of the room to find it completely empty...I was feeling pretty alone.

But then today happened.

My alarm woke me up (after having hit snooze twice..) with such a beautiful song, that has actually played through my head all day. Walking down the path to flag raising I remembered that I made the decision last week to come to God first about the struggles that come at me..so I uttered a prayer asking God to give me the strength to get through the next two weeks of camp, because I was at a loss as how I was going to get by.

At the beginning of breakfast, the wonderful Sara (LDP co-ordinator) called me over to talk, and asked how I was doing. I don't think she knows how much it meant but she asked if I would like to do something with her during the week, because she knew that I must be feeling pretty alone right now. That definitely put a smile on my face, and reminded me I still had support at the camp.

Several times throughout the day I had to go and talk to that camper from cabin 7, as he was having a horrible time listening and interacting with the other kids in his cabin. His cabin leaders were getting extremely frustrated, and were feeling at the end of their rope. Before it was time for dinner, this camper wandered into the office to ask for something that I had confiscated from him the night before. Before I realized it, 15 minutes had passed by, and I had the wonderful privledge of a beautiful, "normal", conversation with this energetic 8 year old. Ever since I met him last summer, I have never been able to engage him in any sort of coherent conversation that didn't consist of threats, name calling, and profanity. But here he was, hanging out with me in the office, telling me all about his family, school, and home life. After he left the office, I just sat there absolutely bewildered with a huge grin on my face. God is good, and definitely doing a work in this child's life!

The rest of the day passed by, with other small highlights along the way. But the evening ended with a spectacular sky show as the sun was setting. I think it was by far the most gorgeous sunset I've seen all summer. I wandered down to the lake and sat on the beach admiring God's handiwork, as others passing by in cars or by bikes, also stopping to gaze at the beautiful sky.

The final blessing I saw to end off the day, was after campfire as kids were getting ready for bed. My 3 year old cousin is staying up with my family at the conference centre this week, and Joseph often ends up with the camp program as nearly the entire staff knows and adores him. After campfire ended, Joseph began demanding that he get to sing a camp song with Spidey. So I found Spidey wandering around with is guitar, and the two of them spent the next 20 minutes or so singing and playing guitar together. It was an absolutely precious sight to see Joseph strumming the guitar, while him and Spidey sang "Jesus Loves Me" together. Love it.

I've been reminding my cabin leaders this week to not see it as a whole two more camps to have to suffer though before our summer is over, but instead that we only have two more weeks left to get to know kids...to get to make a difference in campers lives...and to get to show the love of God to children who never get to see it otherwise. I'm trying to keep that as my focus as well, as difficult situations arise over the next little while.

It's been a hard summer, for a number of reasons...but God has been that much more present because of that, and through being broken, has begun to make me stronger.

Just two weeks left...

Anyway

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;

Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;

Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;

Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;

Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;

Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;

Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;

Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;

Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God;

It was never between you and them anyway.

[Reportedly inscribed on the wall of Mother Teresa's children's home in Calcutta, and attributed to her. However, an article in the New York Times has since reported (March 8, 2002) that the original version of this poem was written by Kent M. Keith.]

Joshua 1:9

I recently recieved by far one of the coolest things I've ever gotton from a camper. It's just a little book made out of construction paper and crayon, but today when reading it, it totally touched my heart as it was exactly what I needed to hear. So I decided to share with you my little blessing.

Pouring Out

(Just as a warning…my well known rambling disease definitely comes out in this blog...and it’s a bit lengthy…but it was a well needed vent, so bear with me...)

Over the past few weeks I’ve really felt God bringing up some issues with me. Through various different circumstances He has really been trying to bring to light some issues within my heart and mind. Although I have been spending time talking through this issues with friends, or figuring out different ways of dealing with what is arising, I think I have done all but actually acknowledge the fact that I’m struggling, and that I do indeed need God right now in a huge way.

I have been learning some interesting things about myself over the course of this summer, and after hearing some God-breathed words spoken tonight by a fellow camp member at the youth bash, I have finally let some much needed things sink in.

I need to be honest and blunt about myself for a minute. I struggle in a very big way with something commonly referred to as “Emotional Fornication.” It’s a term that is often joked about, mostly by girls, when looking at how difficult our emotions can be to contain and trust to God. In looking at this in reference to me…

I have a deep and passionate desire to eventually find a guy who will love and care for me, the same I do for him (as most do)….but someone who I can also just pour myself out to. Someone with whom I can just let loose, and literally ramble about the most random ridiculous thoughts and ideas until I’m blue in the face. Someone who I can turn to in all those difficult times that arise, and can secretly admit to “I am weak, I am broken…and I don’t know how to be strong right now.”

I’ve realized over the past few weeks that I have been taking this desire that I have, and putting it into friendships that I shouldn’t have been. Having solid Christian friendships with people is something that has been new to me over the past few years, especially having close guy friends who are real Christians and support and strengthen me rather then bring me down. I think that when I enter into a solid Christian friendship with a guy, I tend to want to cling to that, and pour out whatever I can of myself as quickly as possible because I’m afraid that just as quickly as God has brought them into my life, he will surely take them out again. It isn’t always necessarily because I have feelings for them other then that of friendship (although that sometimes is the case…) but for one reason or another, I get emotionally attached and allow this person to become my emotional outlet and just pour out everything about who I am to them.

The past couple of weeks have been extremely up and down for me. I’m either just having a super amazing time with my campers and cabin leaders, or I’m feeling totally out of place and at an all time low as I think about the unknown of what is coming after this summer. Lately in my low times, I get thinking, “okay…all I need to do is just call/email/talk to this person and I will feel much better about things.” You know what? It’s not even just lately I’ve been doing that…this is a serious long time struggle that I never knew I had. There are a lot of things right now that are just beginning to just run rampid in my head. There is one issue that for one reason or another God has decided it’s time I deal with, that I have literally repressed and never uttered a word about since childhood (to myself, someone else, or God), that is just bursting to come out. There is another that I decided that I had been talking about too much to God over the past few months, so I would just stop praying about it…and now it’s beginning to break me down.

And what I’ve realized tonight is that I’ve put far too much into my earthly relationships…especially...ESPECIALLY…my friendships with guys. I have allowed that desire to want to be able to pour myself out to someone, to take the place of my relationship with God. Instead of seeking God out as the first person I want to talk to…as the strengthening conversation I need to have when things aren’t going well…as the person that I can cry in front of and admit that I’m not strong enough…I am looking for that in my earthly relationships. And as blessed and privileged as I am with the incredible Godly men that are keeping me going in my everyday life…they’re still just human, and those friendships have and will fail at one point or another. I need to trust God enough that when I come to Him, all things will be taken care of. I don’t always need the flattery, the compliments, or the emotional gratification that I may get from having a rambling or venting session with a guy in my life…God can and will provide so much more then that.

So…I’ve decided that as soon as I can possibly spare it, I’m setting aside a good chunk of time to have a rambling session with God, and to just pour out everything that I’ve been bottling up. And one day…God willing…I will have that beautiful soul in my life that I can rant and rave to until I’m blue in the face, who I know will stick around for a very long time and want to spend the rest of his life getting to know me. But…for right now…it’s definitely time to work on my relationship with God.