Pouring Out

(Just as a warning…my well known rambling disease definitely comes out in this blog...and it’s a bit lengthy…but it was a well needed vent, so bear with me...)

Over the past few weeks I’ve really felt God bringing up some issues with me. Through various different circumstances He has really been trying to bring to light some issues within my heart and mind. Although I have been spending time talking through this issues with friends, or figuring out different ways of dealing with what is arising, I think I have done all but actually acknowledge the fact that I’m struggling, and that I do indeed need God right now in a huge way.

I have been learning some interesting things about myself over the course of this summer, and after hearing some God-breathed words spoken tonight by a fellow camp member at the youth bash, I have finally let some much needed things sink in.

I need to be honest and blunt about myself for a minute. I struggle in a very big way with something commonly referred to as “Emotional Fornication.” It’s a term that is often joked about, mostly by girls, when looking at how difficult our emotions can be to contain and trust to God. In looking at this in reference to me…

I have a deep and passionate desire to eventually find a guy who will love and care for me, the same I do for him (as most do)….but someone who I can also just pour myself out to. Someone with whom I can just let loose, and literally ramble about the most random ridiculous thoughts and ideas until I’m blue in the face. Someone who I can turn to in all those difficult times that arise, and can secretly admit to “I am weak, I am broken…and I don’t know how to be strong right now.”

I’ve realized over the past few weeks that I have been taking this desire that I have, and putting it into friendships that I shouldn’t have been. Having solid Christian friendships with people is something that has been new to me over the past few years, especially having close guy friends who are real Christians and support and strengthen me rather then bring me down. I think that when I enter into a solid Christian friendship with a guy, I tend to want to cling to that, and pour out whatever I can of myself as quickly as possible because I’m afraid that just as quickly as God has brought them into my life, he will surely take them out again. It isn’t always necessarily because I have feelings for them other then that of friendship (although that sometimes is the case…) but for one reason or another, I get emotionally attached and allow this person to become my emotional outlet and just pour out everything about who I am to them.

The past couple of weeks have been extremely up and down for me. I’m either just having a super amazing time with my campers and cabin leaders, or I’m feeling totally out of place and at an all time low as I think about the unknown of what is coming after this summer. Lately in my low times, I get thinking, “okay…all I need to do is just call/email/talk to this person and I will feel much better about things.” You know what? It’s not even just lately I’ve been doing that…this is a serious long time struggle that I never knew I had. There are a lot of things right now that are just beginning to just run rampid in my head. There is one issue that for one reason or another God has decided it’s time I deal with, that I have literally repressed and never uttered a word about since childhood (to myself, someone else, or God), that is just bursting to come out. There is another that I decided that I had been talking about too much to God over the past few months, so I would just stop praying about it…and now it’s beginning to break me down.

And what I’ve realized tonight is that I’ve put far too much into my earthly relationships…especially...ESPECIALLY…my friendships with guys. I have allowed that desire to want to be able to pour myself out to someone, to take the place of my relationship with God. Instead of seeking God out as the first person I want to talk to…as the strengthening conversation I need to have when things aren’t going well…as the person that I can cry in front of and admit that I’m not strong enough…I am looking for that in my earthly relationships. And as blessed and privileged as I am with the incredible Godly men that are keeping me going in my everyday life…they’re still just human, and those friendships have and will fail at one point or another. I need to trust God enough that when I come to Him, all things will be taken care of. I don’t always need the flattery, the compliments, or the emotional gratification that I may get from having a rambling or venting session with a guy in my life…God can and will provide so much more then that.

So…I’ve decided that as soon as I can possibly spare it, I’m setting aside a good chunk of time to have a rambling session with God, and to just pour out everything that I’ve been bottling up. And one day…God willing…I will have that beautiful soul in my life that I can rant and rave to until I’m blue in the face, who I know will stick around for a very long time and want to spend the rest of his life getting to know me. But…for right now…it’s definitely time to work on my relationship with God.