Friday night I had the privledge of attending my first all night of prayer at 614 in Regent Park. The weekly 9-11pm prayer walk was extended until 6am and involved different aspects of prayer and worshiping God.
The most impacting part of the evening for me was when we ended up at the K-Club after doing a Prayer Walk Scavenger Hunt in the community. After debriefing from the prayer walk, we were lead by Julie into a prayer labyrinth. Some scripture was read, as well as the history and meaning behind prayer labyrinths. Although I had heard of them before, I had never actually walked through one, so this was a new experience for me. It was a simpler version of this exercise, and there was paths taped out on the floor of the gym for us to walk through. There were two different entrances for us to choose from. Then we would follow the path, until we reached the middle, and then choose a path out again. It was left fairly open as to what we would pray about as we walked, but it was up to us as to how long we took in the labyrinth and how we traveled along it.
A huge struggle that has been occupying my thoughts this past week has been on the topic of boys and past relationships. Through conversations with someone from a past relationship and a couple other random situations, I've had a lot of stress and anxiety weighing down on me, and haven't been really sure how to get through it. I've felt a lot of old pain and regret that I thought I had dealt with beginning to creep back up into my life, as well as starting to doubt my capabilities for a future relationship with someone.
When we were told to sit and pray at the K-Club and then begin the labyrinth when we felt ready, all these issues and stress that had been on my heart all week crept back up into my mind. I felt God say to me, "lets start at the beginning...and walk through it all together." So that's what I did.
I took my first step into the labyrinth going back right to my first boyfriend. Very, very slowly, I took a step at a time and literally walked through my entire dating history, with God right beside me. It took a while, and I had to pause a few times as tears caught me off guard and fell down my face...but I pressed on.
I think the thing I found the most surprising was all the bitterness and hatred I still harboured from past situations. But...most of those negative feelings weren't even for the guys that I had dated. They were for other people who in one way or another linked to the relationship I was in...and I had allowed these situations to slip my mind and I became totally blind to the fact that I still had real and raw bitterness and anger for people that I don't even talk to anymore. For instance...I still had negative feelings toward someone from when I was 15, because my boyfriend dumped me for her. I still had real anger towards a girl from when I was 17 who only pretended to be my friend while I was dating her best friend. And there were a couple more...but all of them equally ridiculous in the fact that I still harbored these feelings from years ago, and without me even realizing it, were tearing me apart from deep inside of me. But I had God beside me and He helped something beautiful to happen out of these hideous and ugly feelings.
As I walked through my past experiences, and became aware of the anger or hurt I felt by either the guy I was dating, or the people surrounding the situation...I confronted my feelings head on...released them to God...asked for forgiveness...and took a moment to pray into the individuals life that I had felt bitterness towards. It was one of the most liberating and freeing experiences of my life.
Then as I reached the centre of the labyrinth, I took a moment to sit and pause and listen to God. I asked Him to help me now look towards the future and hear Him speak truths into my life..instead of the lies I had let fill my head for the past week. And as I took steps on the path heading towards the exit, I heard words of truth, beauty and love that helped to renew me, strengthen my spirit, and give me confidence for the future.
The issues surrounding the opposite sex, and relationships will probably continue to come up as a struggle for me, but as on Friday night...I'm continually reminded that my God is good...He is constant...He is forgiving...and He is more than patient with me. And I'm so thankful that He's never given up on me, and still feels that I'm worth His time.
Blessings.
4 comments:
Wow. This entry hit my situation right on the nose. Identical feelings sprung up out of nowhere for me this weekend. It's strange how a relationship can end, you feel awesome with it all, and then the pain comes and hits you blindsided a year down the road.
I'm learning to embrace loneliness. Before, I was under the impression that I chose to be alone, so the loneliness had a temporary, warm tint to it. Now, not really having that "choice" is teaching me a lot.
I should have taken your prayer labyrinth path to deal with the crap. Instead, I went to sleep at 3pm and didn't wake until 6am this morning. Hm. I still have quite a bit of learning to do.
Next time we meet up we'll need to have a conversation about this topic then :)
Hey, and next time you can't think of how to deal with feelings springing up...give me a ring.
Hey girly! I am so proud of you that you were able to do that, to open up those old wounds and place them before God and know that he is right there beside you working through them. I admire your courage and it inspires hope in me, that there is freedom from the baggage that old relationships have brought into my life. Thank you for sharing that! I love you MUAH!
wow. it takes a strong person to face our uglies.
Its amazing how liberating forgiveness of oneself and others can be. Hatred and anger are very heavy loads to carry.
God can carry all our burdens, we can't.
I'm glad you had such a unique opportunity as the prayer labrynth. Its amazing when you least expect it God just spotlights something and helps us face it and takes it away.
Good time to get rid of old baggage before your next adventure my darling hadassah.
God is an amazing travelling companion. The ultimate navigator.
Go with God.
love
mommy
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