24 finds me...in 24th place...

24 days until I board a plan bound for Australia. Seriously..where has the time gone?

I'm beginning to get a lot of anxiety, stress, excitement, nervousness, and fear..all kindof rolled up into one big feeling of being extremely overwhelmed by the fact I'm leaving the country for a year, really really soon.

I'm finding it really hard to get into the Christmas spirit. I think I'm realizing that it has a lot to do with how reluctant I am about acknowledging that it's just around the corner..and so is my plane ride out of Canada. It's beginning to sink in that I'm going to be saying my goodbyes to a lot of people really soon who I'll be seeing for the last time before I go.

Tonight I had an absolutly wonderful evening spent with three fantastically wonderful girls. Natalie, Carmen and Sam graced me with their beautiful presence, as we had a mini female cabin leader reunion. We went out and bought some cake mix from a dusty bottom shelf of the corner store at the top of my street...demonstrated our sweet baking skills..and watched a movie. It was great to spend some time hanging out with these ladies and getting exposed to the antics that is only Sam Nolan as she tried to count my freckles (again) and jumped on me about every 5 minutes. I have really missed my cabin leaders since the summer, so it was great getting a chance to catch up, see their smiles, and have some good hang out time together.

When Sam and Carmen were leaving, it was only a temporary goodbye because they are planning on visiting me at 614 on a Sunday before I leave (also because I'll need to pick up my fabulous new curtain pants the Cappi is making me). But when Natalie was leaving...we pretty much knew that this would be the last time we saw each other before I left. I know I'll be back in a year, and I will see her again....but tonight was my first real goodbye to someone knowing that I'm not going to see them again until I come back from Australia. And that's kindof making a lot of things sink in, and starting the process of this all becoming real and knowing that I'm leaving a lot of people I love for a really long time.

The popular conversation starter lately has been for people asking me "so are you about ready to leave?" or "do you have everything all packed up and ready to go?" or something else along those lines. Despite now hearing this question about 3 times a day from people I run into...I still smile, and say, "just about! It's coming up really soon!" and try to give off the impression that I'm super excited and everything is coming together just fabulously.

But in all honesty...I'm getting really scared. One of my biggest fears in life is being alone. Although I've gotten a lot stronger in this area over the past year, and God has really become a solid stronghold to me when I'm feeling lonely...I'm still afraid of being in a place when I don't have my close friends and family surrounding me and continually uplifting me. As ridiculous as this might sound, I realized today how much I'm going to miss all the hugs I get on a daily basis. From friends who I don't see that often...from friends who I see every day but we hug anyways...from my siblings who are just overflowing with them...from my parents whenever I see them...from my three year old cousin who gives the best bear hugs in the world...all from people who I know love me.

I'm also really scared of failing. Of going half way around the world and screwing up. Of not doing all that people have built me up to be capable of. Of becoming really homesick and not being able to just lean on and trust in God.

I shed my first couple of tears tonight in anticipation of all the goodbyes I'm going to be saying soon to a lot of people I'd really rather not say goodbye to...but instead hold on a little bit longer where I'm comfortable...and where I know people...and where I feel loved.

Thank you again, my camp girlies, for a wonderful night. Special thanks shout out to Cappi for the education of the Australian Indie band, "Architecture in Helsinki", that I will look into..just for you.