Prayer Labyrinth

Friday night I had the privledge of attending my first all night of prayer at 614 in Regent Park. The weekly 9-11pm prayer walk was extended until 6am and involved different aspects of prayer and worshiping God.

The most impacting part of the evening for me was when we ended up at the K-Club after doing a Prayer Walk Scavenger Hunt in the community. After debriefing from the prayer walk, we were lead by Julie into a prayer labyrinth. Some scripture was read, as well as the history and meaning behind prayer labyrinths. Although I had heard of them before, I had never actually walked through one, so this was a new experience for me. It was a simpler version of this exercise, and there was paths taped out on the floor of the gym for us to walk through. There were two different entrances for us to choose from. Then we would follow the path, until we reached the middle, and then choose a path out again. It was left fairly open as to what we would pray about as we walked, but it was up to us as to how long we took in the labyrinth and how we traveled along it.

A huge struggle that has been occupying my thoughts this past week has been on the topic of boys and past relationships. Through conversations with someone from a past relationship and a couple other random situations, I've had a lot of stress and anxiety weighing down on me, and haven't been really sure how to get through it. I've felt a lot of old pain and regret that I thought I had dealt with beginning to creep back up into my life, as well as starting to doubt my capabilities for a future relationship with someone.

When we were told to sit and pray at the K-Club and then begin the labyrinth when we felt ready, all these issues and stress that had been on my heart all week crept back up into my mind. I felt God say to me, "lets start at the beginning...and walk through it all together." So that's what I did.

I took my first step into the labyrinth going back right to my first boyfriend. Very, very slowly, I took a step at a time and literally walked through my entire dating history, with God right beside me. It took a while, and I had to pause a few times as tears caught me off guard and fell down my face...but I pressed on.

I think the thing I found the most surprising was all the bitterness and hatred I still harboured from past situations. But...most of those negative feelings weren't even for the guys that I had dated. They were for other people who in one way or another linked to the relationship I was in...and I had allowed these situations to slip my mind and I became totally blind to the fact that I still had real and raw bitterness and anger for people that I don't even talk to anymore. For instance...I still had negative feelings toward someone from when I was 15, because my boyfriend dumped me for her. I still had real anger towards a girl from when I was 17 who only pretended to be my friend while I was dating her best friend. And there were a couple more...but all of them equally ridiculous in the fact that I still harbored these feelings from years ago, and without me even realizing it, were tearing me apart from deep inside of me. But I had God beside me and He helped something beautiful to happen out of these hideous and ugly feelings.

As I walked through my past experiences, and became aware of the anger or hurt I felt by either the guy I was dating, or the people surrounding the situation...I confronted my feelings head on...released them to God...asked for forgiveness...and took a moment to pray into the individuals life that I had felt bitterness towards. It was one of the most liberating and freeing experiences of my life.

Then as I reached the centre of the labyrinth, I took a moment to sit and pause and listen to God. I asked Him to help me now look towards the future and hear Him speak truths into my life..instead of the lies I had let fill my head for the past week. And as I took steps on the path heading towards the exit, I heard words of truth, beauty and love that helped to renew me, strengthen my spirit, and give me confidence for the future.

The issues surrounding the opposite sex, and relationships will probably continue to come up as a struggle for me, but as on Friday night...I'm continually reminded that my God is good...He is constant...He is forgiving...and He is more than patient with me. And I'm so thankful that He's never given up on me, and still feels that I'm worth His time.

Blessings.

Smile for Chuck E!

How often do you get your picture hand sketched by Chuck E. Cheese?
Check that off of my life ambitions list!

A Personal Frustration

I just got home a shift at work. Definitely less stressed out then I have been after the last couple of shifts that I've worked, and I know it's got a lot to do with the fact of who my shift partner was tonight.

I worked tonight with Ana. Ana has been at Richardson long before I even started as a student there (for anyone who doesn't know..I work in a residential home for Children's Aid). She is someone from whom I have a learned a great deal from in terms of working with challenging and difficult behaviours, and how to still love kids despite everything else that goes on. It's so apparent that Ana loves her job, she loves working with kids, and she puts everything that she has into her work. Tonight at settling, one of the boys came out of his room when he knew he wasn't supposed to. Instead of just getting frustrated with him (as a lot of staff at my work do)...Ana asked him if the real reason he had come out was because he needed an extra hug before going to bed. Turns out...that's exactly what he needed.

Although I have the privledge of working with and learning from some incredible child and youth workers...at the same time, I work with some people who I honestly question whether or not they even like kids. People who get more caught up in the politics of the job then worrying about the actual effect it all has on the kids we work with...people who are more concerned with talking to their significant other on the phone then interacting or getting to know the kids we have living at the house...and people who are just too lazy to go above and beyond what they're required to do and just do the bare minimum so that they can keep their job.

I think that there is a lot of people who think that they are good with kids...or would like to think that children love them, and if they wanted to, they could always "fall back" into a field that involved working with kids (i.e. half of the people in first year of my child and youth worker course who dropped out after the first semester...). But then I go to work and see staff who seem to have forgotten why it was they got into this field in the first place and care more about their pay cheque then they do seeing our kids get stabilized and get to go back home or into a permanent residence.

I could go on a whole other rant about the lack of care, concern, time and effort people in general put into children and youth (within the church or not...), but what I'm left feeling really frustrated about at this exact moment in time are the people who have chosen to be responsible for the lives of children...people who have made the decision to take the outcome of a child's life in their hands...people who have the opportunity to mold a child's life into something far greater then it is...and then just flat out blow it. They let the opportunity pass them by.

Tonight before dinner I had a few free moments, so I went to our little gym at the house and played some basketball with our newest resident. (I straight out suck at basketball, but looking on the positive side, it always makes the kid feel better about their skills.) While we were playing, we got to chatting and I found out that he wants to be a construction worker when he grows up. When I asked him why, he said because that way he can build things for his kids. As well, because it will challenge his mind and make him smarter because he will need to do math calculations on the job (that's almost word for word..and he's 9). The conversation with him totally made my day and just reminded me how continually impressed I am with kids when I take the time to build relationships with them.

So many kids are without a proper mentor or adult to look up to or model their behaviour after. How much more important does that make the job of someone who willingly puts themselves in the role of being a leader or worker to children and youth? Definitely not a role to take lightly.

Blessings.

Random Pix on my new camera...

Paul enjoying the toys before the crazy squad kids show up...

Taking a break from washing dishes and noticing the sun shining in through the window...

Josephs monkey face...

Me, trying to figure out the timer on my camera and making a crazy face in a panic...

Chris having a moment in Dundas Station...

A Beautiful Soul

I was thinking today about the blessings that I have in terms of the people in my life. There are definitely several beautiful souls that have been huge strengths to me in various aspects of my life and been there at crucial points when I needed someone the most. I wanted to take a minute to highlight one particular person who has been and continues to be a huge influence in my life.

This is the beautiful and fantastic Sharon Hann.

Sharon is one of the most genuine and selfless people that I know. There is nothing fake about the love and passion she puts into everything she does...and everyone she meets. I think literally every time I meet up with Sharon we meet somebody new. She has this simple and inviting smile that she always wears that just seems to draw people to her. We could be intentionally setting out to meet someone who is sitting panhandling on a downtown street...or just walking and talking...but somehow we always meet someone new who seems to be drawn to her friendly and beautiful spirit. She is definitely the type of person that I could just never get sick of spending time with and I learn from every time I have a conversation with her.

Some people have told Sharon that she's too trusting...that she's not careful enough with the people that she meets and puts time into talking to and showing the love of God through her words and actions. But it's just not true. Sharon has been blessed with such an incredible gift of just genuinely loving people..no matter who it is. And with the gift of meeting people...without fear or judgment.

I was told by someone that we met once that I was the "protector"...that I was with Sharon to look out for her and make sure she didn't come to any harm. Truth is...I don't ever worry about Sharon, even when she tells me of people she met while walking somewhere alone at night. Because I know that God gave her this gift for a reason...and He is always walking with her. In a city like Toronto where people are afraid of the unknown, and unwilling to bridge the gap of brokenness and loneliness...Sharon is one of those beautiful souls who are constantly reaching out to those who need love the most, and does so without fear of the unknown or judging what might initially appear to be ugly or unwelcoming.

Sharon has been an incredible positive Christian influence in my life over the past six years or so...especially over the past three. She has been there with a listening ear, encouraging and sympathic words, and always with prayerful support. I thank God so much for all that she's brought to my life...for all the laughs and good times that we've had, for how she's helped me to grow in my Christian walk, for all the wonderful conversations, and for how she's continually challenged me to look outside of myself and into my surroundings to see God and how I can love His people more genuinely.

Sharon...I love you and I don't know where I'd be without you. Never change (especially not for any boy lol) and continue to love God and those around you with all the passion that you've been blessed with. God's got such an awesome plan for your life, and I can't wait for the next exciting step in your journey of life!!

Blessings!

Lying on a bed of leaves.

Autumn Fun.

Trick-or-Treat

I haven't been trick-or-treating since the ripe ol' age of 14...and did I ever miss it!

Last night I headed down to Regent to meet up with some kids and parents to hit up the park and Cabbagetown for some free candy. I forgot how excited kids get about this night!! It was a struggle to keep up with a couple of the energetic ones (pre sugar overload I might add)...so I ended up trailing behind with two of the boys who were Siamese twins as they took a bit longer to walk up the stairs to peoples houses.

It was really beautiful to see how the people of Regent Park and Cabbagetown come together for this one night. Theirs no stigmas or boundaries..just everyone out enjoying the night. A couple times I got hit with culture shock while in the richer areas...one time being when we saw a couple casually walking down the middle of the road amongst the crowds of children carrying some champagne in wine glasses. I had to do a double take.

After about 2 hours of strolling the streets, exchanging smiles and hugs with kids I knew, and just enjoying the mass chaos that was literally hundreds of children going door to door...we started to head back as the Siamese twins were slowly fading (and then one ended up also bleeding as they had tripped over their oversized pants and face planted into the cement).

But then I ran into the Igniter girls, and Kanga..and they were just bursting with energy! So we spent the next hour doing some trick-or-treating ourselves and taking advantage of the free candy night! It definitely makes the experience that much better to go out with a couple of Australians and French girls who have never participated in Halloween before. I can remember the last time I had gone out (at 14), being yelled at for being too old. But maybe because our costumes were just so great...we never once heard any comment of the sort. Instead just got a lot of smiles and laughs (especially at Shauns costume)...and of course, loads of candy! Kanga was even told that soon she'll be old enough to be able to drink! (Kanga is turning 26...hmm..).

Anyways...it was a fantastic night overal, and definitely one of my top Halloween experiences. Below is a pick of our "adult" trick-or-treating group. (Go to my MSN spaces for some more photos.)

Anyone else do anything exciting?

Happy Birthday Phil!

Happy Halloween!

Only two sleeps left till Halloween

Well, it's only 8:30, but I am definitely ready for bed!!

Just got home from an amazing day in Regent. I think we had the best day of squads that I've had in a very long time.

(And can I say I am loving this random beautiful day of sunshine and warm weather!)

Kanga and I were afraid of mass chaos happening this morning for our squad, as we always seem to be short on leaders, and we had one kid coming who we hadn't seen since the Spring and our memories of her are far from wonderful. So, while on prayer walk last night, we took a few minutes to pray over this particular child, and also that things would run well.

And God definitely answered our prayers! This morning between the two squads that we run together, we had 25 kids show up...BUT we also had a splendid 7 leaders come to help us out! Praise the Lord!! And the result was a slight bit of chaos...but the kind that is fun and manageable. The program ran without a hitch really..and we got in a crazy game of dress up the leader, caramel apple making, and some pumpkin carving. (Check out the pix on my MSN space..link below.) And, much to our astonishment...our one child that we had dreaded coming...behaved beautifully. It was actually really great to see her again, and she shocked us all with an ability to listen to instructions...the first time they were asked!! (A miracle in itself...).

Then after an hour and a half break...we were on to the next squad. This one as well, ran incredibly. Within this particular group we have so many diverse and "strong" personalities displayed in the kids, there's always the fear in the back of our minds that at any second mass mayhem is going to break out. But...incredibly, everyone got along with one another...every kid showed up in a stunning Halloween costume...there was TONS of laughter...the kids started and sang grace at dinner all on their own (good ol' Johnny Appleseed)...and Mark (Igniter) successfully carved his first pumpkin!

Definitely a day that reminds me why I am involved in such a beautiful and vibrant children's ministry in Regent Park. It continues to blow my mind and melt my heart when I see such tough acting, thick skinned youth, too cool for anything...revert back into real children who give an endless amount of hugs, play ridiculous simplistic games, and laugh..a lot. All because of the love, passion and devotion that the folk from 614 pour into their lives in the name of the Lord. God is good.

Happy Birthday Christopher!!

Happy 19th dude!!

Growing up so fast...

Just two months left...

Where is the time going? When I made the decision to leave the country it seemed like it would be ages until the end of December actually came...but alas, time is flying by. Now I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that the 23 hour plane ride goes by just as fast...

I'm finding it harder and harder to get myself in the mode of getting ready to leave for a long journey away from home. Getting my mind into the perspective that the people who I love and I am closest to, I won't be seeing for a very long time. I'm caught in some cases of wanting to distance myself to make it easier for when I do leave, but in the same thought wanting to spend as much time as possible to cherish the next two months that I have in Canada. It's also been a lot harder then I thought it would be to try and stay in good standing with all my family and friends, to make sure that I won't be leaving with any bitter feelings or unresolved issues. Well, not so much as being harder then I thought...but more then I didn't really expect the issues to come up that have been coming up. But you live and learn...

Although I've always disliked the idea of a big city, despite always living in Toronto...recently I'm finding a new appreciation for the area I do live in. I realized on a prayer walk last Friday night how much time I've wasted looking beyond my neighbourhood to do things for God, and turning a blind eye to my immediate surroundings. I've travelled into the heart of downtown Toronto lots of times in efforts to meet people living on the streets, or spent a lot of time in Regent park building relationships or joining in their prayer walks. But last Friday I joined the East Toronto crew as we took a stroll up Danforth and took some time to pray for the area. It totally hit me in a new and different way as we took the time to pray for a bar that I've actually spent time in hanging out with friends back in highschool...and prayed right by Main station, where I have been travelling through with TTC nearly my entire life...and prayed for the community that I have been living in for the past 22 years. It really hit me hard how all too often I'm looking beyond a broken community that I in fact live in, to try and find ways for God to use me. It was definitely an awakening experience...and also a good reminder for me that there will be a reason for me to come home again after Australia, because my own community still needs God in a big way.

Just to finish off...here's a couple short video clips of the cutest three year old in life...

Toes

Jesus Loves Me

Blessings!

My sister is all grown up

Happy four month anniversary Donna and Tim!!

Finally Canadian

Congrats Sara Bright on FINALLY getting permanent residency in Canada!!

Now you can finally get paid for all that hard work you've been doing!

Praise the Lord..He is good.

Blessings!

The battle of humility...

"What do you say When it's all gone away?

Baby I didn't mean to hurt you...

Truth spoke in whispers will tear you apart

No matter how hard you resist it

It never rains when you want it to

You humble me Lord

Humble me Lord

I'm on my knees empty

You humble me Lord

You humble me Lord

Please, please, please forgive me"

On my way...

Praise the Lord...I got my Immigration Visa for Australia!! And it only took two weeks!

It makes the fact that I'm leaving in just over two months a little bit more real now that I know I can legally be in Australia for a year!

God is good!

"Where I cannot see, I'll trust"

Saturday night I had the privledge of attending a very beautiful covenant service with 614. Throughout the evening my heart was stirred as God spoke into my life and revealed some new truths to me.

"Humbled by Your Majesty,

Forgiven so that I can forgive..."

I came to realize how proud a person I am. I think it's a hard thing for me to admit that I'm wrong. Not just in terms of proving a point in a discussion or debate with someone...but I have difficulties accepting the fact that I am capable of hurting someone's feelings without realizing it. Recently I had an old friend confess that I had hurt them in the past, and because of that they didn't think very much of me. Instead of humbling myself and apologizing...I argued. I gave reasons, excuses and pointed out in a very wordy speech that I wasn't the one to blame, and there was a logical explanation as to why feelings had been hurt and why we weren't friends anymore.

I realized Saturday night what a proud person I am and the difficulties I have in admitting that I have done wrong and require the forgiveness from someone that I may have hurt...unintentionally or otherwise. I think this is a hard thing for me to overcome and completely change...but I am glad to have been made aware of it and hope to continue to improve and have God keep me accountable.

"Your grace has found me just as I am..

Empty handed but alive in Your hands..."

During the course of the service on Saturday we had put in our hand a mustard seed, and a few beads of yeast. The parable of the mustard seed and yeast was read from the Bible, and we were asked to consider this passage. We were to think of any hopes and dreams that we have...however small and insignificant they seemed, and then to turn to someone beside you and spend some time talking about these dreams and praying about them.

"There must be more than this..."

As I began to think over this passage and apply to myself, I became a bit scared. I realized that although I have the next step of my life planned out to go to Australia...beyond that I am completely clueless. I have this burning desire to be used by God...to be useful to His ministry, and to not waste my life. But what exactly that means, or where my life is going...I really have no idea. My friend who I talked to shared similar fears as me, and also just wanted to be of some use to God, and not just a waste of space. So we took a few moments as we shed some tears to pray into each other reassurance and confidence that yes, God does have a use for our lives.

It's a scary thing to realize that you have no control over your life, and you have no idea in what direction your life is going after this exact moment. But it's also such a beautiful comfort to know that all we need is a mustard seed of faith...and God WILL use that. The tiny little seed that I had sitting in the palm of my hand...that's it...that's all God needs.

"And where I cannot see I'll trust..."

Sunday morning at my church, I heard a very good sermon that seemed to bring conclusion to what God was speaking to me at the covenant service the night before.

Obedience.

I don't know the step beyond the one I'm about about to take in two months. But I definitely need to trust God with what is beyond that. It's as if God is holding a flash light out for me as I walk in a dark place. He doesn't use a flood light and show me everything that is upcoming in my life. Instead he shines a little flashlight right in front of my feet..shining the light bright enough for me to see my next step. I need to trust that as I take this one...God will then reveal to me the step that is beyond that.

I do have a fear of moving on, and I'm discouraged by the things that are unknown. I have a fear of not having enough money for Australia. I have a fear of becoming broken and unusable to God while trying to learn and grow in a country far away from my family and friends. I have a fear of returning home and not being talented enough or smart enough to be involved in ministry taking place in Toronto. And I have a fear of an unknown future.

But I do know...that unless I take this step that's right in my immediate future...I won't know what God has in store for me beyond that. I need to trust the unknowns to God..and remember to enjoy the journey.

Prayer Request

Time seems to be flying by until I go to Australia...and it's now only 77 days until I leave.

A lot of things have been really just coming into place so wonderfully with the grace of God, and that has been really awesome. I do still have a huge prayer request though.

My biggest anxiety right now is money. It's been increasingly difficult to try and save money up that I'll need for the next year in Australia. It's been a lot more expensive then I thought it would be to pay for the plane ticket, health insurance, apply for the immigration visa and other things that seem to keep popping up. I am really needing to just trust it all to God that He is going to provide the means for me to have money saved up because I'm definitely running out of my own options.

So prayer to be able to just trust this issue to God, and prayer that He'll find a way to provide all the money that I need, is definitely needed and would be hugely appreciated.

Blessings.

Gobble Gobble

Happy Thanksgiving!

I had a nice reminder today of how thankful I am for my family. We're a crazy bunch, but I love them.

I especially realized how thankful and blessed I am for my three younger siblings. After stuffing ourselves with my Grandma's delicious turkey, my two sisters, brother and I all squished onto the same couch together. I think we all had the intention of a nap...but it became a difficult task as all four of us were trying to use one another as leg rests...and because we were all over tired and being extremely ridiculous. But it was just a wonderful reminder of how much I love each of them, and the laughs and smiles that they bring into my life. It's definitely going to be a hard one saying goodbye to them for a year!

Praise God for all the reasons he gives us to be thankful.

Blessings!

Make Poverty History : National Day of Action in Toronto

Click on the picture to read the flyer.

"When I look at the stars...I feel like myself"

I think that most people have a place that they can retreat to...or somewhere that they can go and sit just to have a moment of sanity.

Mine is either to take a walk down to Taylor Creek and climb a tree (as funny as that sounds...), or just to go and hide in my room.

I have to tell you, I absolutely love my room, and I see it as one big huge work of art. I've been living in this make shift basement bedroom for the last 8 years or so, and have built up quite the assortment of a decorations, keep sakes, traffic signs, and random odds and ends. I'm a "pack-rat" by nature, and looking at my room...this is a very evident fact.

I think that one of my favourite parts of my room is the ceiling. One of the first things I did when I moved into the basement and set up my bedroom was stick a whole wack of those dollar store glow in the dark stars up. It was a long process as I didn't have a ladder and was forced to get creative in order to get the entire ceiling evenly covered with them...but 8 years later, they're still up there.

Originally I stuck them up there just to make sure that every inch of my bedroom had something covering it making it stand out a bit more. But now, I think I find something slightly beautiful and comforting looking at the glowing stars on my ceiling right before I fall asleep each night.

Six years ago, I began my summers of working at camp and spent two months at the Salvation Army Beaver Creek Camp, just outside of Saskatoon in Saskatchewan. It was by far one of the best summers of my life, and it was there that I realized I wanted to spend my life working with kids. I made some incredible friends that summer, one being the wonderful Dayla Halverson (well Dayla Beveridge now!). As the summer was coming to a close, Dayla and I shared many tears as we realized how far apart we would be once I went back home to Toronto. At the camp, we often laid on the trampoline and watched the night sky for hours, totally taken in by the Northern Lights. Dayla and I realized that even though we would be really far apart...we both would still be looking up at the same sky (sounds like a song from American Tail...). So, we picked a star that shines really brightly just over the saucer of the Big Dipper...and re-named it the "Dayla-Esther Star" (creative I know!). That way, whenever we missed each other, we could look up at that star, and know that wherever the other was, they could see that star too. When I got home that summer, I re-arranged the stars on my ceiling a bit, and formed the Big Dipper, complete with the "Dayla-Esther Star," so that when I lay down every night I can look up and see it shining right above my bed.

Next to sunsets, I think that the night sky is one of the most incredible and beautiful natural works of art that the Lord has blessed us with. It's one of those things, that when you're feeling lost, or unsure, you can just take a moment to stop and just bask in the glory that is God. It's just another reminder to me that when things are put into the Lords hands...they WILL turn out beautiful.

"I've been thinking about everyone, everyone you look so lonely...
But when I look at the stars...when I look at the stars...
When I look at the stars...I see someone else.
When I look at the stars...the stars...I feel like myself. "

HAPPY 17th BIRTHDAY BRADLEY!!

I can't believe my baby brother is 17! I feel so old!

Thank you for always being there for me, always taking care of me in tough times, always understanding me (even when other ppl don't!) and always putting a smile on my face! You're the best brother an older sister could ask for!

But happy birthday buddy, and I hope you've had a wonderful day! MUAH!

Hey, Hey....Hey Beautiful Day!

It's been a beautiful day!! What can I say?

First off, if you haven't heard the song "Night fill my song" (Hey Beautiful Day) by Bedouin Soundclash, you need to. It's definitely been my song of the day, and I refuse to believe there is any way that you can not have a smile on your face and a tapping foot while listening to this tune!

It's been a day stuffed full of fantastic events, and I'm definitely giving God all the glory for that!

As most people know I've been trying to think of ways to come up with some extra money, as I'm planning my trip to Australia. Well, today, two totally separate things came up for me to make a bit of money, and I'm very excited about that! Both in their different ways were answered prayers, and I'm thankful to God for the little reassurances that He keeps giving me, that it's all going to work out!

I also got down to Regent Park today, and visited some kids that will be in my squads that start up in a few weeks. I've been down to Regent a couple times for church since the end of summer, but I haven't had a chance to just walk around in the Park...and I hadn't realized how much I missed it! Throughout my walk I randomly saw about a half dozen kids at various spots, who stopped to either give me a hug, a smile, or just a "hi Pippi!" and a wave from across the parking lot. I only ended up seeing three out of the ten squad kids that I needed to visit, but the other random meetings definitely made my day, and put a smile on my face!

I also had the opportunity to head out to Newmarket and meet up with the beautiful Sam Nolan (a.k.a Capizzio).

I definitely miss my girls from camp, so it was so awesome to get a chance to chat and catch up with this crazy cat! Of course our discussion was quite serious and full of very important issues...such as deciding that Cappi will run Camp Wabana next summer in my place and make all the children dance for hours in the quad wearing a crazy hat, and only one shoe...just one...not two...just one.

Honestly, Sam, you are one of the most beautiful people I know, with such an incredible soul. Don't you dare ever stop dancing, shouting random words, and just being you. Don't let anyone EVER make you feel less then what you are (and what you are is a princess of your Father in Heaven!!) and don't ever lose your passion for God and for serving others!! Chicky, you're an inspiration in my life..don't ever change!!

Tonight my dad arrived home for a two day work trip down to Detroit where he was learning about some new machines or something equally interesting. And something very exciting..he arrived home with presents!! I definitely am the proud new owner of a Mr. Incredible Pez Dispenser...love it!

And, final fantastic event of the day. Brace yourself for it.....I HAVE A CREDIT CARD! As excited as I am that someone finally trusts me with one (I definitely did a dance around the living room), this is another little answer to prayer, and it's something that I now get to check off my list of things I need to get before going to Australia in 3 months. God is good!

So ends my beautifully fantastic day.

Thank you Lord for all the small, yet beautiful moments you bring every day into our lives. May we take the time to notice something fantastic about each day that you bless us with.

Blessings!!

Scott Michael Masuda

This is my new baby cousin, Scott Michael Masuda, with his proud daddy!! He was born today, at 2:45pm, and in this picture he's only an hour old! Congrats Auntie Mel and Uncle Mike!

Blessings!

The Shadow Proves the Sunshine

Sunshine, won't you be my mother
Sunshine, come and help me sing
My heart is darker than these oceans
My heart is frozen underneath

We Are crooked souls trying to stay up straight
Dry eyes in the pouring rain,
While the shadow proves the sunshine,
The shadow proves the sunshine

Too scared that I'll run always
Hold fast till the brink of daylight where,
The shadow proves the sunshine,
The shadow proves the sunshine

O, Lord, why did you forsake me?
O, Lord, don't be far away
Storm clouds gathering beside me
Please Lord, don't look the other way

I am a crooked soul trying to stay up straight
Dry eyes in the pouring rain
Where the shadow proves the sunshine,
The shadow proves the sunshine

Too scared that I'll run always
Hold fast till the brink of daylight where,
The shadow proves the sunshine,
The shadow proves the sunshine

We're crooked souls trying to stay up straight
Dry eyes in the pouring rain
Where the shadow proves the sunshine,
The shadow proves the sunshine

Too scared that I'll run always
Holds fast till the brink of daylight where,
The shadow proves the sunshine,
The shadow proves the sunshine

Yeah, yeah...the shadow proves the sunshine
Shine on me...the shadow proves the sunshine
Shine on me...the shadow proves the sunshine

Let my shadows prove the sunshine

Simply this...

This is a picture of my cat and dog that I took last night. Normally they are fighting, hissing and growling at one another if they're in close proximity...but even if just for a moment, they let down their guard and just sat chillin, enjoying each others company. I love those simple moments.

On Sunday, at the beginning of my Jr class that I teach at church, I announced to my kids that I was leaving at the end of December to go to Australia. To my surprise, that was met with a lot of disappointment and frowns, as they informed me that I wasn't allowed to leave as they would miss me too much. I love those simple reminders.

Today, at work, one of my girls found out that she gets to go on a visit to see her Dad and Grandma this weekend for the first time in a few months. She was so full of joy that she cried, and the frown that had been on her face all day, lifted and was replaced by a beautiful smile. I love those simple feelings of happiness.

On my way home from work, I crossed Eglinton on my way to Kennedy Station. As I walked across the road, the crossing guard showed me a big smile and said "have a great evening, okay?" and I smiled too because I knew he was sincere and it uplifted my heart. I love those simple smiles.

On the subway, I watched as an elderly lady sat down next to a complete stranger. The elderly lady explained in honest admiration "I love those sandals! Where did you get them?" I watched as the sandal lady beamed and proudly showed off her bright, shimmery lime green shoes to the inquiring stranger. I love those simple compliments.

Tonight I attended a beautiful youth service, in which the youth pastor boldly spoke about the love God had for each and every one of the 25 youth who were sitting in front of her. "He's going to love you..and He's NEVER going to break your heart!" I saw that not only were these words heard by the youth...but they were believed. I love simple love.

Make Poverty History - Dear Mr. Goodale....

I recieved this email today. Give it a read through, and if you feel that you would like to participate in the actions to Make Poverty History, then just copy the letter that follows, into an email, and send it out. Every little bit helps.

Blessings.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thank you for your actions to Make Poverty History.

Today we are asking you to please send a letter to Minister of Finance Ralph Goodale, with a copy to Canada’s representatives to the World Bank and International Monetary Fund prior to their upcoming annual meetings. Urge them to make every effort to ensure that the G8 DebtCancellation proposal is strengthened, not weakened, so the needs of the world’s poorest people are not ignored.

Please send the following letter, adapt it or draft your own, to:

Ralph Goodale, Minister of Finance at

Financergoodale@fin.gc.ca

Please CC: Marcel Massé, Canadian Executive Director at the WorldBank at

mmasse@worldbank.org

Kevin Lynch, Canadian Executive Director at the International Monetary Fund at

klynch@imf.org

Thank you for helping Make Poverty History!
Liz Bernstein and the Make Poverty History team
**********************************************************************************
FROM: _________

TO:The Honorable Ralph Goodale, Minister of Finance

Financergoodale@fin.gc.ca

CC: Marcel Massé,
Canadian Executive Director at the World Bank
mmasse@worldbank.org

Kevin Lynch,
Canadian Executive Director at the International Monetary Fund
klynch@imf.org

SUBJECT: Make Poverty History
IMPORTANCE: Highest

Dear Mr. Goodale,

I am writing to you to call on you as Canada’s representatives to the World Bank and International Monetary Fund (IMF) to make everyeffort in the coming weeks to ensure that the G8 Debt Cancellation proposal is strengthened, not weakened.

Canada has played a leadership role in the past on debt cancellation issues. We urge you to play this leadership role at the upcoming meetings of the World Bank and IMF and push for a strengthening of the G8 debt deal when it goes for approval by the boards of these institutions this week.

To ensure that poor countries no longer face the crushing burden of their debts, we call on you and the Government of Canada to lead an international movement to:

§ EXTEND the agreement for 100% cancellation of the debts owed to multilateral financial institutions to all impoverished countries that need debt cancellation in order to meet the Millennium Development Goals.

§ ENSURE that countries are free to implement their own national development strategies by ending IMF and World Bank Structural Adjustment Programs.

Now is the moment for bold action. We strongly urge you to seize this moment and play a role that I and other Canadian supporters of the Make Poverty History campaign would be proud of.

Sincerely,

The Setting Sun

I just bought the new Switchfoot CD, and I'm loving it. One song that I'm really enjoying right now, I thought I would share because I think the lyrics are fantastic. Sorry if you're the type of person who hates when people only put song lyrics up as a blog *cough*...but read anyways and enjoy.

I've got a wound that doesn't heal,
Burning out again, burning out again
I'm not sure which of me is real,
I'm alone again, burning out again
My hope runs underneath it all the day that I'll be home

It won't be long,
I belong somewhere past this setting sun
Finally free, finally strong,
Somewhere back where I belong.

They're selling shares of me again,
I'm not buying, it I'm not buying it
My wound goes deeper than the skin,
There's no hiding it, so i'm not trying it
My hope runs underneath it all the day that I'll be home

It won't be long,
I belong somewhere past this setting sun
Finally free, finally strong,
Somewhere back where I belong .

Finally back where we belong
Finally Free It's gonna take you to the setting sun

Lets the weak say I am strong and it won't be long
Let the right say I was wrong and it won't be long
Let us find where we belong, beyond this setting sun
Beyond this setting sun

It won't be long,
I belong somewhere past this setting sun
Finally free, finally strong,
Somewhere back where I belong.

"I'll protect you..."

Just finished watching this unbelievable movie.

I'm currently in a state of attempting to take in the intensity of this film after my tears that were pouring down my face have finally subsided and I am trying to reflect on all that I just took in.

The movie's primary base was on the racism in North America, more specifically, LA. I had heard that racism was a factor in the plot of this film, but I had no idea the depth or span that it covered within the story line.

Within the time span of 122 minutes, you are introduced to about a dozen main characters, all of whom are seemingly independent of one another...but who all at one point or another cross paths in a variety of spectrums.

Racism in this movie is shown through ignorance of other cultures...through bias and stereotypes...through mere accidents and mis-interpretations...through being in the wrong place at the wrong time...and through simple pure hatred of other races. But, it also shows the incredible way that it all comes back to us...what goes around comes around...and that in some crazy way, we're all in this together, linked together in one way shape or form.

Each character is confronted with the very thing that they feared, hated or had merely avoided in ignorance...and that brings about some incredible displays of emotion, violence, and realization that there is a world out side of ourselves.

It's definitely a eye opening and mind boggling experience to watch this film...even for those who are very informed of the racial issues and battles that go on every day in North America. It's also a sad realization to know that this is infact a true reflection on the society that we do live in.

Is there anyone else who has seen this movie who has any thoughts? feedback?

Or just any thoughts on the issues or racism in North America today?

A staff member at work today was actually talking about this issue because of a class she is taking in college in regards to this subject. She said that a comment someone made at the class yesterday stood out to her. A fellow student in the class raised his hand to say...

"I think I regret coming to Canada with my children from Jamaica because of all the racism that takes place here."

Thoughts?

Salvation Army Grid::Blog

Just testing out a crazy theory....

A New Look

Well...my blog has taken on a new look.

After many hours, and with loads of help from the oh so patient Phil (thank you!!), I've finally got something I think I like!!

What do you think?

Australia Bound

I have officially bought my plane ticket and travel insurance. On December 27, 2005, I fly down to Melbourne, Australia.

My prayers were answered in a huge way by my parents, who came through for me in such an incredible way, to make sure that not only did I have the money, but that my plane ticket got bought. I would be totally lost without them!

Prayers are definitely still needed for money and for applying for a Visa.

But God is good....and I'm going to Australia!

Prayer Request

Alrighty...

So for anyone who doesn't know, I'm heading down to Australia in January to be apart of a program at the 614 in Melbourne. I am very very excited about it, and I know that God is going to take care of me there, and has lots in store.

My prayer request.

I have a lot to figure out. In terms of booking a flight, getting a Visa, and other little things like that. The biggest concern being finances.

If you could pray that God will provide all that I need in these areas, that would be very much appreciated.

I know God is good, and everything will work out in His time.

Blessings,

Ready for a Revolution?

If I'm here all alone
If I'm left behind
If they spit in my face
If they hate my kind

I will rise above
I will live for love
I will answer to the call

For the bond between
For the depth unseen
For my God forsake it all

Cause I'm a fire
I'm a flood
I'm a revolution
I am a war
Already won
I'm a revolution

When the world is at war
When the grace is gone
When the hungry lay dead
While the rich live on

I will rise above
I will live for love
I will answer to the call

For the bond between
For a depth unseen
For my God forsake it all

Cause I'm a fire

I'm a flood

I'm a revolution

I am a war

Already won

I'm a revolution

Here I stand
Open hands
Waiting for You
I won't back down
I'll live to speak Your truth

Cause I'm a fire

I'm a flood

I'm a revolution

I am a war

Already won

I'm a revolution

Feeling the Territorial Vibe

Well, I've been at Territorial now for 3 full days...and I'm alive and praising the Lord!!

It has been a real process of feeling like I fit in, in a really uncomfortable atmosphere, and being brave and pushing my boundaries. But God is good!

I have been absolutely loving my drama main stream. This morning we filmed from a script we've been rehearsing. This was my first time being filmed in anything like this, and I was really nervous. But I ended up having so much fun, and really learning a lot.

Tonight I experienced one of the coolest things I've ever been blessed to be apart of!

The evening program was coming to an end, and the camp was dismissed from the auditorium, after one last song was sung. But praise the Lord the Holy Spirit wasn't ready to let it end! A totally random praise and worship fest just let loose! People were just grabbing any percussion instruments that were around to hit and make music onto the Lord. Everyone else just clapped their hands, stomped their feet, and used their voices to shout praises to our Father in Heaven! Joel started reading scripture into the microphone, as the rhythm of the spirit just flowed and moved through the building...and how the people danced!! I have never felt so free! It was truly an incredible experience, where everyone just felt the total freedom and abandonment that you get when you lose yourself in the Lord! AMEN!

I'm pretty tired right now, so I think this is about all I'm going to write for this post. But know that amazing things are happening at Territorial, and God has claimed this camp as holy ground! Continue to pray for all that is going on as the week continues.

God is good!

Facing the Music Camp Fear

I have a confession.

I am utterly and completely petrified of Salvation Army Music Camps.

I attended Junior Music Camp at Jacksons Point when I was 7, but haven't attended one since then. I didn't have the greatest week at camp, and was left with a lot of sore feelings about the competitive and snobby nature of a lot of the campers I attended Junior with.

For one reason or another, I decided to attend Territorial at Jacksons Point this year. So in three short days (gulp) I am going to be a camper at the Territorial School of Music and Gospel Arts. I am starting to get a bit excited about the fact that I get to be a camper again for the first time in a long time...but honestly, I am also scared to death.

There is nothing outstanding about me in terms of anything musically or artistically in any way shape or form. I am not known in any parts of the Salvation Army for any kind of musical or dramatic talent. I am about to begin a camp where people attending are just bursting with talent and abilities and every bone in them is an artistically creative one. Not only that, the majority of people who are my friends who are also attending, are right up there in the talent spectrum, and a lot of them are fairly well known or heard of in music circles. To say that I'm feeling intimidated is an understatement.

I'm scared about a lot.

About looking like a fool and not doing well in the drama stream. About friends who I normally have a lot in common with and hang out with, switching into that music camp mode and no longer having time for me. About not fitting in with a lot of talented people. About having to feel like I have to impress people or act a certain way in order to fit in.

Chances are, at the end of next week, I'll look back on these fears and think they were silly. But some hurts run deep, and in looking at diving head first into something that I've spent my life staying far away from in my Salvation Army involvement....this is a big step.

I'm doing my best to stay open minded, non-judgmental, and to trust it all to God. I want to have an amazing week where I can hear the Lord and draw closer to Him in a whole variety of aspects.

So I guess...here goes nothing...

Why I Love My Cabin Leaders...

I love my cabin leaders because they were my absolute strength this summer. Honestly, I wouldn’t have accomplished what I did, or survived these two months without the impact that each of you made in my lives. I really don’t know how to put into words of how proud I am of each of you, as God has done a miracle in some way in each of your lives. Never doubt that God has his hand on your lives, and that through His strength, all things are possible. I love you all so much!

I LOVE….

KANGA: …because you give me that extra bit of support, always when I seem to need it the most, and you live your life so selflessly…
SNOOZE: …because you always have such a beautiful smile on your face, and you care so genuinely about everyone around you…
LILO: …because nothing seems to get you down, and you remain positive about everything…
CAPIZZIO: …because you always brighten my day with your random antics, and God is such an incredible vivid part of everything you do…
CHIP: …because you see life in such a simplistically beautiful way, and you care so much about the people around you…
PADDINGTON: …because you have such a beautiful and pure heart, and have such a genuine love for the kids that you work with…
CINDERELLA: …because you care so much about all the kids you come into contact with, and you have grown into such an incredible woman of God…
GYPSY: …because you have such a real passion for loving the unloved, and you care so deeply about ministering to others…
TWIX: …because simply being at camp is all the motivation you need to keep going, and you show love so incredibly to all the kids you meet…
SNOWFLAKE: …because you are so strong spirited and won’t let obstacles get you down, and are willing to dive head first into new situations…
TICKLES: …because you’re just a huge softy with an enormous heart, and you are always making sure that I’m in a good mood…
PEPPI: …because you are always there with a hug and a smile when I need it most, and you just have fun with life no matter what comes your way…
NITRO: …because you continually strive to do so well, and you make such an impact in so many campers lives…
FLAME: …because you are continually seeking after God, and you care so much about all those around you…
SPIDEY: …because you’re so patient at teaching me how to play guitar, and you are so full of God’s love for everyone you meet, especially your campers…
G-FUNK: …because you’re absolutely hilarious and always keep me laughing, and you have a real genuine passion and love for all those hard to love kids…
SOUTHPAW: …because you kept persevering, and are always striving to do better…
WOODSTOCK: …because you’re an incredible man of God and demonstrate that so vividly to your campers, and are always there to make sure I’m doing alright…

A Campfire Moment

I have had to unfortunately spend the better part of today in bed sleeping, as I'm sick again (round 3), and trying desperately to get healthy again.

But, I was able to make it to camp fire tonight, and I just wanted to share the highlight of my day.

I have been encouraging a lot of my cabin leaders to step out and take initiative in areas that they were timid about at the beginning of the summer. I have been telling Paddington to do devotions at campfire for the last couple of weeks, but she's been a bit nervous about it. But, I was delighted tonight to see her get up in front of the camp to lead them.

She spoke so incredibly well, it just melted my heart to see her up in front of 110 kids, passionately telling them about several Bible stories of God going miraculous things...using something small, and turning it into something huge.

She concluded with telling that campers that it doesn't matter that they're young, God can still use whatever talents and abilities that they have to do great wonders. As she was concluding her devotion, little adorable 7 year old Kurtis that I had sitting on my lap, just began to beam ear to ear. Although the rest of his cabin was a bit restless and having difficulties sitting still, Kurtis gave Paddington his full attention and just soaked up every beautiful word that she said. At the end, I asked him if he liked the story and he just smiled at me and let out an enthusiastic "yah!"

Through Paddingtons braveness to lead a devotion (that she did an absolutely fantastic job at I might add..) I know that she reached at least one little camper. Love it.

Just two weeks left...

To be honest, I didn't start off this camp week with much optimism.

I had a bit of a bad day yesterday, and it didn't look like week number seven was starting off too well. I found out that my roommate, and closest friend at camp, was given doctors orders to take the next two weeks off from work, and get some rest. As much as I hated to hear that my biggest strength this summer was leaving me, I was relieved to hear that she would be getting some much needed (and deserved) time off. Among a series of other small instances that occurred yesterday, the other big one was having to deal a camper from cabin seven late last night. I spent almost an hour with him, until nearly 11:00pm, trying to calm him down and get him to stop lashing out at his cabin leaders and fellow campers. By the time we got him to bed, it didn't feel like much was resolved and things weren't looking good for him remaining at camp for the week.

I went to bed last night feeling pretty broken. All of a sudden the quick pace that this summer has been moving on, seemed to come to a halt, and I was unsure of how exactly I was going to survive the rest of camp. It's been a hard summer in terms of having people around that I can talk to and bare my soul with, and finding encouragement and motivation to keep on. So, although my sister slept in my room with me last night, so that I didn't have to look at my roommates side of the room to find it completely empty...I was feeling pretty alone.

But then today happened.

My alarm woke me up (after having hit snooze twice..) with such a beautiful song, that has actually played through my head all day. Walking down the path to flag raising I remembered that I made the decision last week to come to God first about the struggles that come at me..so I uttered a prayer asking God to give me the strength to get through the next two weeks of camp, because I was at a loss as how I was going to get by.

At the beginning of breakfast, the wonderful Sara (LDP co-ordinator) called me over to talk, and asked how I was doing. I don't think she knows how much it meant but she asked if I would like to do something with her during the week, because she knew that I must be feeling pretty alone right now. That definitely put a smile on my face, and reminded me I still had support at the camp.

Several times throughout the day I had to go and talk to that camper from cabin 7, as he was having a horrible time listening and interacting with the other kids in his cabin. His cabin leaders were getting extremely frustrated, and were feeling at the end of their rope. Before it was time for dinner, this camper wandered into the office to ask for something that I had confiscated from him the night before. Before I realized it, 15 minutes had passed by, and I had the wonderful privledge of a beautiful, "normal", conversation with this energetic 8 year old. Ever since I met him last summer, I have never been able to engage him in any sort of coherent conversation that didn't consist of threats, name calling, and profanity. But here he was, hanging out with me in the office, telling me all about his family, school, and home life. After he left the office, I just sat there absolutely bewildered with a huge grin on my face. God is good, and definitely doing a work in this child's life!

The rest of the day passed by, with other small highlights along the way. But the evening ended with a spectacular sky show as the sun was setting. I think it was by far the most gorgeous sunset I've seen all summer. I wandered down to the lake and sat on the beach admiring God's handiwork, as others passing by in cars or by bikes, also stopping to gaze at the beautiful sky.

The final blessing I saw to end off the day, was after campfire as kids were getting ready for bed. My 3 year old cousin is staying up with my family at the conference centre this week, and Joseph often ends up with the camp program as nearly the entire staff knows and adores him. After campfire ended, Joseph began demanding that he get to sing a camp song with Spidey. So I found Spidey wandering around with is guitar, and the two of them spent the next 20 minutes or so singing and playing guitar together. It was an absolutely precious sight to see Joseph strumming the guitar, while him and Spidey sang "Jesus Loves Me" together. Love it.

I've been reminding my cabin leaders this week to not see it as a whole two more camps to have to suffer though before our summer is over, but instead that we only have two more weeks left to get to know kids...to get to make a difference in campers lives...and to get to show the love of God to children who never get to see it otherwise. I'm trying to keep that as my focus as well, as difficult situations arise over the next little while.

It's been a hard summer, for a number of reasons...but God has been that much more present because of that, and through being broken, has begun to make me stronger.

Just two weeks left...

Anyway

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;

Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;

Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;

Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;

Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;

Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;

Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;

Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;

Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God;

It was never between you and them anyway.

[Reportedly inscribed on the wall of Mother Teresa's children's home in Calcutta, and attributed to her. However, an article in the New York Times has since reported (March 8, 2002) that the original version of this poem was written by Kent M. Keith.]

Joshua 1:9

I recently recieved by far one of the coolest things I've ever gotton from a camper. It's just a little book made out of construction paper and crayon, but today when reading it, it totally touched my heart as it was exactly what I needed to hear. So I decided to share with you my little blessing.

Pouring Out

(Just as a warning…my well known rambling disease definitely comes out in this blog...and it’s a bit lengthy…but it was a well needed vent, so bear with me...)

Over the past few weeks I’ve really felt God bringing up some issues with me. Through various different circumstances He has really been trying to bring to light some issues within my heart and mind. Although I have been spending time talking through this issues with friends, or figuring out different ways of dealing with what is arising, I think I have done all but actually acknowledge the fact that I’m struggling, and that I do indeed need God right now in a huge way.

I have been learning some interesting things about myself over the course of this summer, and after hearing some God-breathed words spoken tonight by a fellow camp member at the youth bash, I have finally let some much needed things sink in.

I need to be honest and blunt about myself for a minute. I struggle in a very big way with something commonly referred to as “Emotional Fornication.” It’s a term that is often joked about, mostly by girls, when looking at how difficult our emotions can be to contain and trust to God. In looking at this in reference to me…

I have a deep and passionate desire to eventually find a guy who will love and care for me, the same I do for him (as most do)….but someone who I can also just pour myself out to. Someone with whom I can just let loose, and literally ramble about the most random ridiculous thoughts and ideas until I’m blue in the face. Someone who I can turn to in all those difficult times that arise, and can secretly admit to “I am weak, I am broken…and I don’t know how to be strong right now.”

I’ve realized over the past few weeks that I have been taking this desire that I have, and putting it into friendships that I shouldn’t have been. Having solid Christian friendships with people is something that has been new to me over the past few years, especially having close guy friends who are real Christians and support and strengthen me rather then bring me down. I think that when I enter into a solid Christian friendship with a guy, I tend to want to cling to that, and pour out whatever I can of myself as quickly as possible because I’m afraid that just as quickly as God has brought them into my life, he will surely take them out again. It isn’t always necessarily because I have feelings for them other then that of friendship (although that sometimes is the case…) but for one reason or another, I get emotionally attached and allow this person to become my emotional outlet and just pour out everything about who I am to them.

The past couple of weeks have been extremely up and down for me. I’m either just having a super amazing time with my campers and cabin leaders, or I’m feeling totally out of place and at an all time low as I think about the unknown of what is coming after this summer. Lately in my low times, I get thinking, “okay…all I need to do is just call/email/talk to this person and I will feel much better about things.” You know what? It’s not even just lately I’ve been doing that…this is a serious long time struggle that I never knew I had. There are a lot of things right now that are just beginning to just run rampid in my head. There is one issue that for one reason or another God has decided it’s time I deal with, that I have literally repressed and never uttered a word about since childhood (to myself, someone else, or God), that is just bursting to come out. There is another that I decided that I had been talking about too much to God over the past few months, so I would just stop praying about it…and now it’s beginning to break me down.

And what I’ve realized tonight is that I’ve put far too much into my earthly relationships…especially...ESPECIALLY…my friendships with guys. I have allowed that desire to want to be able to pour myself out to someone, to take the place of my relationship with God. Instead of seeking God out as the first person I want to talk to…as the strengthening conversation I need to have when things aren’t going well…as the person that I can cry in front of and admit that I’m not strong enough…I am looking for that in my earthly relationships. And as blessed and privileged as I am with the incredible Godly men that are keeping me going in my everyday life…they’re still just human, and those friendships have and will fail at one point or another. I need to trust God enough that when I come to Him, all things will be taken care of. I don’t always need the flattery, the compliments, or the emotional gratification that I may get from having a rambling or venting session with a guy in my life…God can and will provide so much more then that.

So…I’ve decided that as soon as I can possibly spare it, I’m setting aside a good chunk of time to have a rambling session with God, and to just pour out everything that I’ve been bottling up. And one day…God willing…I will have that beautiful soul in my life that I can rant and rave to until I’m blue in the face, who I know will stick around for a very long time and want to spend the rest of his life getting to know me. But…for right now…it’s definitely time to work on my relationship with God.